I wish I knew what to do about myself. Mods - please move this if you know a better forum for it, I really don't know what this links with. I have BPD and schizoaffective but it's neither of those issues at the core.

I’m going through the motions and acting pretty normal and happy but under the surface I’m not ok. It’s so hard to work out what exactly is wrong. I think I’m ok then 20 minutes later I’m fighting an anxiety attack at work.
At the moment, the big issue is attention span – I’m struggling as ever to work a normal 9 to 5 office job because I can’t seem to sit down for long before I get fidgety and anxious and distracted. It’s like I’ve got this massive pile of work to get through (ok, not that massive) and all I can do is stare aimlessly out of the window. I can’t seem to keep my focus, then my work piles up, then my anxiety gets worse, so I go for a cigarette, then I worry I’m wasting time, and get anxious that I’m going to be in trouble or lose my job. I spoke to my psychiatrist about this and she asked about my caffeine intake which was kind of high (4 coffees a day ish) and said that she wants to look at reducing that before we look at medication options. I’ve been on decaf almost exclusively for three weeks and it’s made no difference. She also asked me if I’ve always been like this, so now I’m thinking back over a lifetime of being in trouble at school for daydreaming and getting distracted and fidgeting. It’s really impacting my work and general enjoyment of that part of my life. I hate work, it is like being trapped in a box for 30 hours a week doing the same thing over and over.

I want my psychiatrist to help me with this but I don’t know what that help would look like – or am I destined to always struggle and hate my working hours?