I had possibly the strangest session I’ve ever had with my therapist today. I don’t usually share details, but I feel like I need to process this so I’m going to. I didn’t go in expecting to talk about this, but I ended up telling him how I don’t like that everything is one-sided in therapy.
I don’t remember when, but at some point in the session I clarified that although sometimes I wish we could have a different type of relationship (I phrased it different I think), I know I don’t actually want that because then we couldn’t have what we do now. I said, “I don’t like how ‘this’ means more to me than it does to you.” When I said ‘this’ I gestured from him to me. He said that that he doesn’t agree with that, and that just because he’s my therapist doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me. I said that I wasn’t sure how to feel about that because I didn’t know if he meant it or was just saying it. He said, “the therapeutic relationship only works if it’s authentic. I have to be honest, and so do you. The relationship isn’t fake just because it’s therapy.”
I said, “I get that it’s not fake. I don’t think that’s what bothers me. I think it’s just that I feel stupid when I tell you about it. And it sucks.”
He said something along the lines of, “I don’t think those feelings are anything to be ashamed of, I think they’re perfectly reasonable. And you’re right, it does suck.”
I said, “I guess it sucks more because it only sucks for me, if that makes sense. And that’s what makes me feel stupid.”
He said, “It only sucks for you?”
I was like, “um... yeah, I think so.”
He was like, “I would disagree.”
And then I can’t remember exactly how it went down because I was a bit in shock, but he said he thinks it sucks equally for both of us. And I was all like, “I don’t get what you mean.” He said I seemed confused. I said that I was confused because that had never occurred to me as a possibility, and I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then he was like, “I think you’re an interesting person. You have a unique world view. I’ve told you that one of my favorite things to do is geek out talking about psychology.”
Here he either said “I’d enjoy spending an evening geeking out on psychology with you” or “I’d love to spend an evening geeking out on psychology with you.”
And then finished with, “But that door can never be opened.”
I don’t remember much else what I said or he said after that, but somewhere in there he said “if there was a magic button I could push where there could a be a relationship outside of here (friendship) and it wouldn’t affect what we did in here, that would be awesome.” And then he said something about how that can’t happen, but in nicer words lol.
He also said how it makes sense for me to feel like this. And that I’m also not used to healthy relationships so that probably feels weird at times. And he then he said, “you and I will have a healthy relationship.”

I don’t know how I feel about the whole session, not bad, but not good either? It’s a strange feeling that I can’t explain, which I guess is why I wanted to type it out here. I was taken aback I think. If anyone has read through and has thoughts, I would welcome feedback!

ETA: when he said the part about how being my therapist doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for me, he also said that he’s been worried about me before, and then said “actually I’ve been worried about you a number of times.”
This is a lot to process lol.