I've been away for some time from PC. I had my first session in about 2 weeks today. It was better than expected. We talked about other stuff besides just T. We talked about my upcoming job interview and he asked me if I congratulated myself for securing that interview. I laughed. He asked when the last time I congratulated myself for something was, I said, probably never. He asked why and I said "Because I don't deserve it" so I basically just threw a load of stuff out with that. It went to a convo of how I don't feel I'm worth love or care and how he thinks that the idea that my T DID care and maybe loved me scares me so much and I'm fighting my feelings about it by trying to sabotage the future. He said "Of course anything can happen in the future, but you have already thought of 10 reasons why you probably wont reach out, and not really any of why you should" It made me really think.
I had told him that I had a terrible birthday last weekend in the sense that all I did was think of T and how I wanted a hug from him more than anything. I felt so alone and so sad.
I said I'd felt stuck since then, this past week has been terrible. I've been hiding it well though and so we talked about that more.

Then he grabbed paper and talked about the circle of trust and drew it out. I smiled and was like "Yes, he made me do that, I had to fill it out" and I sat there and just started sobbing, the snot and all kind. First time with baby t. I just kept saying "I miss him so much. I want to hug him. I miss him" I think he probably thought I was nuts LOL I swear I carried on about 10 minutes.

I brought feeling like a loser since my birthday and he wanted me to tell him more about that. So it was about feeling less than others because of where I am in life. He was like "Well do you want to be a CEO?" I said god no. Then he said "Well see? Not everyone who seems to be further along is even in the same area as you, everyone has different things that make them smile and make them get up every day" That was good to hear

He wants me to work on writing a list of a few examples of things I should congratulate myself on and he said to celebrate my interview, regardless of it happens, in some way. To start celebrating the small things as though they are big... to start congratulating myself as I would my best friend.

I asked him something about his thoughts on something T told me. His view on it, from a therapist perspective was interesting he said

"Yes, as a therapist we all have to have a level of care for everyone we see, it's part of the job. Yet, there is no reason for anyone to go above and beyond care for a client, if there was not some level of real care there. " (I was saying how I get confused about if he was only nice to me because I paid him. It's hard to know) his instant comment to that was "You can't fake some of that stuff. I'm with your friend on this. You know that too and it scares you, we will work on why though"