It's good to hear you are laying down what sounds like a solid foundation for a life. As you gain fuller independence, you can have more control of what you will tolerate from him. And you do have a right to expect at least civil behavior from him. (Getting back to you sometimes having to be the adult.) You not fulfilling his vision of how a son of his was "supposed" to turn out does not give him licence to act like a b@$ฯ€rd. Changing the radio station in his car might be a misdemeanor, but it's not a felony. It may very well have inconvenienced him for 20 seconds, but that's not something to get all hostile about. It would not be wrong to say, "Sorry I disturbed your radio setting, and I won't do it again, but let's keep a sense of proportion here. This does not warrant you getting so upset. Let's be fair." As you get older and eventually are emancipated from him, this kind of response might work better. Still, you can start now.

My father came home one night with a few too many drinks taken and was acting obnoxiously belligerent to my mother and to me. It happened to be my birthday, which he clearly had forgotten. When he wouldn't settle down or just go to bed, I finally spoke up. I said, "This happens to be my birthday, and you don't have to cap off my evening so unpleasantly. I don't deserve this." Well, the next day he actually apologized, which flabbergasted me. He seemed to feel genuinely guilty. (Extremely rare for him.) I think what worked was my taking an attitude of: "I expect better from you." I did, and I asserted that with confidence and a touch of indignation. (Not sure where I got that from in the moment.)

I knew my father loved me, as you seem to trust your dad does as well. So I figured he wouldn't really want to come across as a jerk. But he was being an *****, and needed to be reminded that it's not okay. I'ld been calm, but firm.

As you probably realize, when your dad got all ticked over the radio, it probably wasn't about the radio. He felt like venting some spleen, and the radio was just a handy excuse to do so. I don't know your dad, but you might jolt him out of knee-jerk nastiness, by calling him on it, once in a while . . . as in, "So what's really bothering you today, Dad? I don't think you're this discombobulated just over the radio. Anything I can do to help you with anything?" That kind of a response, delivered in a calm, respectful, matter-of-fact way, might just stun him out of his habitual mindset. Make yourself a bit unpredictable in how you react. Surprise him. I think a lot of family dysfunctionality thrives on members behaving habitually, rather than deliberatively. People get used to reciting lines from a dysfunctional script. When you refuse to be scripted and come out with a remark that surprises others, you interrupt the flow of dysfuntionality. You throw people off. Suddenly, the person who's mindlessly going off at you has to take a breath and think.

Your dad is somewhat enslaved by his own automatic thought processes. He doesn't realize how many things in life are optional. "No, things are supposed to be this way and not that way. We have to conform to how things are supposed to be." So he lives in a mental straight-jacket. My father is passed away now. I wish I knew 15 years ago, somethings I understand now. What if ??? - when my father said something denigrating to me - I had just smiled and said, "Yeah, and I love you too." It would have blown his mind. Once he told me I was basically not a good person. I wish I had had the imagination, back then, to have said, "Now, Pop, I just don't believe you really mean that." These kind of frustrated men actually are inclined to say a lot of things they don't really mean. In the moment, they think they do. But you don't have to accept that. You might be the one person in the world who could liberate your father from the mental prison he inhabits by challenging this grim version of reality that he thinks he's "supposed" to believe in, which isn't even reality. Use your imagination to awaken his.