I came back from my therapist today..... and... we talked of the pedophile sodomizing me when.. I was 12.. 13.. 14.. 15... and the memories.. the physical pain so fresh.....

triggered... by the pacing of my new greyhound... I used to pace after being sodomized... because the pain was so intense... I couldn't sit down... felt ripped to shreds..

so though I love my new dog.... it has been exhuasting... as I sort all of this out...

I should not have................ but did............ yesterday read the thread... in the men's forum... of course.. the one with... what men are looking for... or whatever...and.. also the women's thread....

and... I am so confused.... men in general... I think of my father.. who.. molested me... and the pedophile.. who was my school teacher.. and then of my own husband - who did rape and batter me...
these men in my life.... the pedophile.. that hurt so many girls... my ex-husband.. that battered 2 wives.. and countless girlfriends...

and then I see in black and white.. what men want.. and I think.. about people in general... women and men...

and.. it just makes me unbearably sad...

that the insides... count for nothing.... that my body was used.. abused.. and discared...

perhaps... it is because I am so very, very old... my soul... has already lived several lifetimes.....that I think.. that it should be different... that life should be different...

don't know..... but am so very, very, very sad.....

it is times.. like this when I ask myself.. why continue??? you know?