In the past, when I've been going down and down for too long, I've asked myself: "What can I change about my life?" I think I have to change something, even without knowing what the result will be. I've gone on long enough telling myself I have to change me . . . that's getting me nowhere. I have to get myself into different circumstances.

I don't know that putting my bf into a nursing home will help me. Maybe it will even backfire and make me worse off. But I can't keep doing what I'm doing.

I wish I could see around the corner to know beforehand what I'll find, if I turn off the path I'm on and go down a different path. There is no way to see around the corner. I may have to choose a different option with no way of knowing that it won't just make my life worse. That's the awful part. It seems so unfair to be in this position. I have to stop crying about fair verses unfair. Life just is.

Doing what I'm doing is not working out. It might be what is best for my bf, but it's not working out for me. Maybe doing something different won't even be better for me. I just don't know. I probably can't know. Maybe it has to be just a big experiment that might totally fail. But maybe I have to try it. I've done this kind of experiment before when I was desperate. I've gotten surprised that it sometimes landed me in better circumstances - where I got unstuck and was able to move foward in a way that dudn't feel like going down a dead end street. This is very painful to face risking everything getting even worse.

I wonder if the VA might help me, or if anyone would help me. It feels like it's all on me to make sure he is alright. It isn't a concern of anyone's that I'm alright.