Poor guy. You have to wonder why a parent does to a son or daughter the very thing that was hurtfully done to them. I don't know the answer. Probably the reason varies from one family to another. My father was much harsher with his son than with his daughters. He used to say, "You don't raise a boy like you do a girl." The result was pretty sad for my brother.

What is most vital, Whistle, is that you not internalize the negativity that he unloads on you. That's why you have to limit what you'll tolerate from him. If you're living in his house, that can be quite a challenge. But it's not too soon to start, regardless of age or living arrangement. Every living being - man or beast - has a right to be accorded a certain dignity . . . even farm animals that we raise for food. It's not wrong to convey that expectation to him, when he is wantonly disrespectful. You sound balanced enough to recognize the difference between being parented and being gratuitously picked on. It's appropriate to call someone out, when they do the latter. Calmly is best.

I think your father is lucky to have a son who tries to understand him. I'm glad he's had the pets.

You do well to realize that there are reasons why he is as he is. I don't think any of us can ever truly know how much of another person's behavior is truly under that person's control. That way of looking at people underlies the old saying that "Only God can really judge." A modern version of that are some applications of a theory called radical, unconditional acceptance. Compassionately accepting your father's personhood, as possibly the best that he is capable of, does not mean standing still while he takes pot shots at you. No one has an obligation to passively accept abuse. You sound mature and fair enough to identify that when it's coming at you. Making mountains out of molehills is abusive. Your dad and you each have the right to be wrong once in a while . . . to make mistakes, and to be forgiven for them. That's different from engaging in a consistent pattern of devaluing another person, which I think characterizes your father's treatment of you.

I tried to understand my father, so I could put his behavior in perspective and not have my self-worth undermined by his moody inconsistency. He seemed to believe that no one could be forgiven for being wrong. His mother conveyed that to her children. I don't remember her. What I heard was that, once you were in her black book, you could never have your name removed from it. She never forgot a slight, or an offense . . . I was told. My father became perfectionistic trying to please her. He held himself to impossible standards that made him insecure. He was hugely defensive and could never accept that he was wrong. (Almost never. When he did, he had a bunch of self-justifying excuses.) He felt he had to choose between believing he was perfect, or believing he was garbage. That seems to be the choice his mother gave him. So he engaged in what psychiatrists call "splitting." He saw people as either angels or devils. If someone offended him, then they were evil and he wanted nothing ever to do with them ever again. My siblings and I grew up under a threat: "Offend me, and I will never forgive you." I did challenge him on that thinking, and I may have made a dent. But he was a hard case up to the bitter end. That's why I don't hold out a lot of hope that you will ever have that great of a relationship with him. But don't give up. Even if you can just make it better than what it has been, that is something.