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The only time I can hold any eye contact with T is when I first come in and are having casual conversation or if we are just having casual conversation. Other than that I can not even look at him. Just his shoes.
So why I wonder? I am sure it is when my child part is activated and I am not my best adult self maybe.
I feel shameful in his eyes for some reason.
As a child holding eye contact with my mother meant I was challenging her and she exercise dominance over me.
Feeling not good enough, feeling ugly and I must hide my face, feeling vulnerable, feeling embarrassed of myself.
I am not sure actually the real reason and not sure how to test what the reason is.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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