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Old Mar 17, 2008, 05:21 PM
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So... T has decided that "in my best long term interests" it is not useful for him to call me back anymore, or leave me helpful voicemails. He has decided i need to learn how to "give myself" these things.

i understand his reasoning... i do...

but this has left me with not much of anything outside of therapy sessions.

i had over-used the phone priviledges a bit just after H went away... but nothing extreme.

i feel really lost now... abandoned. He says that isn't true... that somehow because his intent is supposedly in my best interests, that this somehow makes it different than that. It doesn't feel different.

i told him i feel tossed out into space. i asked him what did i have now to help me and he said that i have the old voicemails, i knew how to make helpful lists or use ones i had already made.

i feel kind of heart-broken and i don't know what to do.. it seems like the more this upsets me the more sure he is that doing this is the right thing... it's a catch 22, if i go along with it i lose that resource, if i fight against it i lose the resource..

i don't understand what i am supposed to do

i feel like i was just starting to feel like he was there and that i mattered, and now it's being removed....

i don't know that i have ever felt so alone... i let him get closer to me than anyone has, and this is how i'm supposed to get better?

so lost

so alone

so confused

i have no one close to me to give me anything now