Warning: really long! T Thursday, extra session. He got me a minute early. Went back and sat down. I said I'd just been struggling from some of the stuff we discussed yesterday and felt like I needed to talk about it. Me: "And partly because of that, I didn't do so well with the drinking the past day or two..." T: "You're judging yourself." Me: "Yeah, i know, I'll stop."

Me: "I know that some people have said I try to control what you say to me, like I'm critical of you if you don't say exactly what I wanted to hear." T: "You haven't done that with me in a long time. You did sometimes earlier on, but I haven't noticed you doing that. Which seems like progress." Me: "OK, good. Because I'm concerned that's what I'm doing now."

I said how I'd been really open and vulnerable about needing his support through some of these things earlier in the week, needing to know he'd be there. And he'd just said "that's my intention." T: "Like I said yesterday, it is my intention." Me: "Yes, but...OK, I know this is a weird example, but it's the best one I can think of. Say you're taking your wedding vows. The whole, 'Do you take this woman, in sickness and in health, etc.' And your response was just, 'That's my intention.' That wouldn't seem strong enough." T: "You seem to be putting a certain inflection in there that makes it sound very flippant. I'm pretty sure I didn't say it that way. But maybe that's how you read it?" Me: "Yeah, I guess it sounded that way to me, maybe because I was looking for something else from you?" T: "It does give me insight into how you're interpreting it."

I said I was afraid he was intentionally withholding things (like reassurance) from me to avoid being like ex-MC. He said he wasn't and that he thought he was clear in his caring and support. I said sometimes it's like I need to hear specific words, that he might think something he's saying is being supportive, but it doesn't hit me that way. Or if something he says bothers me. He said I should tell him in the moment when that happens, so we can fix it then, and I said I'd try. Though sometimes it doesn't really hit me until later.

T: "If you want me to say those things, I can. I care. I support you. I want the best for you." It was difficult for me to take that in at that moment. I wish I could have a recording of him saying those things.

I said I know it's probably frustrating for him that I keep questioning things so much, that I can't just accept that he cares. T: "I think it's obvious how invested I am in you during your sessions." Me: "Yes, you do seem very engaged." T: "And I'm consistent in responding to your emails. I accommodate the frequency of sessions you want." The way he was saying those things seemed a bit defensive but also like it was affecting him personally, not just as a T. Like he's really trying with me and does really care and is sort of hurt that I can't see it. Which feels a bit like a countertransference thing. But then there's this part of me that feels bad that he feels bad about it, and it's like I'm trying to take care of him, in a way. I realized I was doing that at other points during the session, too, like trying to take care of his feelings.

I said it also bothered me how I'd wanted to talk about transference stuff the day before, but T seemed to steer it away from that to talking about core values. T: "I hope you realize that I don't think transference is bunk." Me: "OK, I wasn't sure. I mean, I know you're not trained in it." T: "I just said I wasn't psychodynamically trained. I've certainly learned about transference through my education. I'm just not trained to work with it in the way that someone psychodynamic or psychoanalytic might be. And I'm just not sure the best way to work through some of those issues is through me. Like stuff with your mom, I think ideally you would work out directly with her. But I don't know."

Then I talked about how I would tell him negative things people on PC/friends have said about him, how I'm not sure why I tell him those things. T: "Are you concerned that you're hurting my feelings? Because you're not." Me: "No, it's more that I find it interesting that I share them with you. Plenty of people were critical of ex-MC. But I don't think I would have told him that. I'm not sure why it's different with you. I think maybe it's because of how much I idealized ex-MC?" T: "I don't think you've ever idealized me." Me: "Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, I think you're likely a good father. But it's not like I wish you could have been my father. Like I did with ex-MC."

Talked more about the email stuff (charging me, etc.). I said how it had felt like Wednesday he was intellectualizing that conversation, when I needed to talk about the emotions behind it. That I do understand intellectually why he has to charge me at times, but I want to talk about the effect it has on me. He said he'd gotten the sense I'd wanted him to explain it more. Me: "No, not really. And the fact that your proposed rule would have charged only me more and not other clients, that bothered me." T: "That's why I wouldn't want to put that in place. I feel like if I came up with rules for it, it would end up being Bible-sized. But if you want to try coming up with something, by all means, let me know." Me: "I'll think about it and get back to you." T said that there had been a few times when it was borderline on time (15 minutes to read/respond) and he chose not to charge me because he could tell I was really struggling. I thanked him for that. And it felt nice but also maybe a bit weird if he was making an exception for me. I did finally get him to basically say that 3 shorter (5-10 minute) emails a month would be OK and not incur a charge. (That's similar to my usual pattern.)

I also said how it had been difficult to hear that he would have charged me for the calls/texts that ex-T and ex-MC gave me for free during that one period of crisis. Even though I know it's his policy and understand it intellectually. He asked me if it bothered me being charged for sessions. I said that was different because it was predictable. While charges for email aren't. And how if ex-T and ex-MC either had charged for email or hadn't allowed it, it likely wouldn't have been an issue with T. But it's like that's what I was used to.

T (regarding email/phone charges): "Well, my product is me and my time. I'm basically a widget." Me: "OK, I sort of get that. I know this is going to sound really terrible, so I shouldn't share it. And I don't really think this of you." T: "Well, now you have to say it." Me: "But I had this thought last night how you'd be thinking, 'Oh score, my client's in a crisis, money for the vacation fund!' But I know you'd never think that of course." T: "Of course not. I want my clients to be out in the world and happy. And if a client had to be hospitalized or something, I'd wonder what I had missed, what I had done wrong." Me: "OK, it's just hard for me to deal with the money aspect of the relationship. Like the extra session today." T: "Well, I look at it as, I just got a $500 Verizon bill. So with this session, you're helping me pay the Verizon bill. And if you can leave this session and go out and have a nice weekend, then I think it's probably worth it for you." Me: "Yeah."

I forget how we got on this topic--maybe the fact that I feel willing to stand up to T? T was saying again if he didn't know if he was the right T for me, how that was something I had to figure out. I said how I feel like I've really made progress with him and he agreed. I mentioned how I relate to him differently than I did in the beginning. He said I seem to be handling relationships better, with friends, with H--standing up for myself more, expressing myself better. I said I'm also initiating more plans with people. And I'm not thinking "Oh no, they never replied to my text, they must hate me" anymore. I just figure they got busy, so I'll text them again. And that's usually the case. He said that's really good. Me: "I just...I don't know, I keep having this feeling that you can really help me. Like, this feeling I've had, from the beginning. And I think you are." I forget what he said to that.

Not sure where I said this part: Me: "This probably seems so minor. But I've talked to you once before about what you say when I leave." T: "Yes, I recall that--I'd never really thought about it much before that." Me: "There was one time recently where it had been a really intense session, like I was crying a lot and stuff. And then when I was leaving, you said 'Enjoy!' It just felt very incongruent to what had happened, like you'd just forgotten about the session." T: "Like I said, I hadn't given much thought to it." Me: "And I imagine I'm the only client who has mentioned it. And I know you're in the middle of doing other stuff at the time." T: "Yes, trying to email you your invoice." Me: "I mean, something like, 'Have a good weekend' or 'good week' is totally fine. And, OK, this is going to seem so silly, but sometimes you'll say 'take care' as I'm leaving. And that means something to me, even though, I mean, a cashier at the grocery store who I don't know will say that, too. But sometimes I'm waiting for you to say it, and you don't, and this part of me is wondering why you didn't that time. Even though intellectually, I know it doesn't mean anything." T: "I'm glad you're sharing how things like that affect you because I wouldn't have thought of it."

We were at the end, actually slightly over time. I started putting on my jacket to signal I knew we had to stop. When I stood up, I mentioned something about hearing the words about him caring. And he said again how he's said certain things to me and felt he was also showing them through his actions. I said that it's like the words could last for a certain amount of time, then it was like I had to hear them again. And in terms of actions, it can be hard to trust my own interpretation (though I'm working on that). So it's like I have to hear the words, too. That seemed like an "aha!" moment for him. Like he really understood. Went over and paid as he confirmed that I wanted to keep schedule the same next week. We shook hands as T said, "Have a nice weekend--that's one we agreed on, right?" Me: "Yes, thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too." (So he remembered that part, too.) I'm not sure if it's clear from my writeup (and I feel, despite the length, like I left some stuff out), but I felt much better about things with him after the conversation. I feel we both understand each other more now.