Thanks, DP. I understand some of the concerns you mention. It just feels so different from my relationship with and attachment to ex-MC. The fact that I've considered leaving him and tried seeing other T's speaks to this. With ex-MC, for a long time, the mere thought of ever having to leave him left me sobbing. It's not like with T.

I do have difficulty in general accepting care from people. And worrying that people (friends, etc.) don't want to hang out with me. And I worry that H will suddenly decide he doesn't want to put up with me anymore. That's all been getting better though, particularly in the past year or so, I think from working with T. I think the stuff with accepting care from T is more an authority figure sort of thing.

I do want to get back to mindfulness and other coping strategies. I've tended to try to push away the therapeutic relationship stuff and tried to convince myself it's not important, like "I'll just focus on everything else instead." But then stuff builds up and I need to talk about it. Because I have to have the basic trust and acceptance there to work on the other stuff. I think I need to do what he suggested and bring up things as they're happening. Like if he says something that bothers me, mention it right then (assuming I realize it). Then it can be dealt with quickly instead of turning into a big thing. It's something I'm trying to do with H (and friends, I guess) as well.

I think we both did hear each other. I feel I'm in this battle between what I want and what I need. Maybe more accurately, what I want vs. what is good for me. I want the reassurance and comfort and sort of the warm fuzziness. But I also know that could keep me stuck in a T relationship (if I hadn't had the rupture with ex-MC, not sure I'd have ever wanted to leave). T is trying to keep me moving forward and not get too attached to him to the point that I wouldn't want to leave. He wants clients to become independent and go out and have happy lives (though they're always welcome to come back as needed). He said the ideal for him is if I'm suddenly like, "Wow, I haven't seen T in 3 weeks and that's OK." I feel his keeping me at a distance at times is likely good for me. And his challenging me and pushing me. Even thought that's difficult at times. I think the fact that I'm also able to give him feedback and tell him when I'm unhappy with something is a big step for me in relationships in general. And I'm finding it's spreading out to my outside life, too. Including with H. My intention tomorrow is to get back to the business of therapy working on my outside life rather than discussing the therapeutic relationship any more.