I suppose this could fit into the grief forum, I even imagine I have written some on this before. The recent loss of my dear friend prompted me to make contact with my estranged family. I spoke with a few brothers, a sister, and for the first time in 11 years, my parents. Actually, that is not true, I went up there about 5 years ago and saw them as I was trying to answer some question inside. I determined recently that indeed I have no value to this family. I am not liked, appreciated or loved. There is a peace that comes from this. And there is grieving. My T says I have had to get through a lot of layers to come to the grief. I should think I am an expert at grief by now. More then the abuse I am affected by the severe neglect and attempted soul murder. I know that I am too old to want loving parents and I know it won't happen. And yet I grieve for the aloneness. I suppose the PTSD has gotten a lot better. The images, the flashbacks are less frightening/disturbing. But here I am feeling as an orphan. They have no meaning to me. My recent birthday was weird because it made me see that I was indeed connected to them in that I came from this grotesgue's woman's body. ERRRRR. Somehow I have to separate my birthday from that and just think of it as the day I became part of this world. So I am grieving never being nurtured or loved. I am grieving horrendous abuse. I am grieving having no history that I want to own. No place called home. Especially now that my friend is gone. And I see I am a middle aged woman with almost grown children and that his is my home. I have new comforting places and spaces with in. But it hurts and it is lonely. I do not have a heritage. I am not from these people. They care only that they feel like I should be connected by blood but they HATE ME. Abuse? Well, I was physically and emotionally tortured. I felt hated then and I suspect that is why I have no value to them now. Their loss. But I am lonely. I wish to have known being cherished and protected. Hope this does not sound like too much of a whine.