Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I'm curious about how you feel about the comment about working things out directly with your mom. Working through mom stuff is a major component of my therapy, and it doesn't involve my actual mom at all. It reminds me of the other thread about using transference to cast somebody in a role and then playing out whatever is "stuck" in a more healthy way. My mom is alive but unequivocally unavailable and unable to work on our relationship. I've cast my T in the "mother" role, in part to get the care I've been craving and in part to work through the ways my emotional development got stunted and derailed in childhood. (I also basically stopped trying to have a relationship with my mom at about the same time, not by coincidence). So even if my T and I are talking about the therapeutic relationship (which happens often and in a fairly detailed and intense way), what we're actually talking about is my conception of myself, how I see other people, and how other people see me.
I'm glad Dr. T isn't going there if he doesn't know how to do that, but I also think it's interesting that you keep getting pulled back toward wanting to do therapy that way. I've noticed that my core inner work seems to have a life of its own, so much so that I've long since stopped having an agenda for most of my sessions. It's interesting that your "work" seems to keep dragging you back to particular social dynamics or ideas with him (acceptance, intimacy/vulnerability, caring, etc).
I think you can greatly improve your life and relationships without doing the psychodynamic-y stuff, but I can see that it keeps calling to you, no matter how much you and your T try to steer away from it. I hope you don't feel too affected by value judgments from other people that you should do therapy one way or another because there is value in many different approaches. Focus on the relationship or not, but it's your time.
Unrelatedly, $500 to Verizon?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!
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You've given me some good things to think about (aside from the Verizon bill!) T has mentioned the possibility of bringing my mom in for a session, though doing lots of preparation about it beforehand. And that I couldn't really have any expectations for how she would react--it would need to be more about me expressing things that perhaps would be easier to express with a third, supportive party in the room, as opposed to just with her by myself. He's also suggested things I could say to her on my own.
And he's talked about trying to see her as someone else with anxiety and that much of the way she parented me came from that--how it was about her, not me. Like her trying to push me to be more extroverted, to call friends back immediately, to accept all plans and never cancel might be more about her fears that I won't have friends, or her own fears about her own friendships. Or her focusing on my mistakes rather than my successes. Which is something I could do without actually talking to her (I'm sure she'd never admit to having anxiety, but it's glaringly obvious that she does--it just manifests itself differently than mine). I have found I'm handling her a bit differently and being less affected by some things she's said. But I'm still not sure actually talking to her about some of those things will help.
I think the fact that the work with him keeps hitting up against certain issues helps show what I need to work on. Because it's not like some of those issues only come up with him. Early on, he said how part of his goal is to help me realize how others in my life might react to things I say or do. Obviously, he's not in their heads. And some of it has been quite difficult, when he's said how, say, ex-MC or H might have been reacting to something I said/did. But, over time, I've realized how having that insight (even if he doesn't know what they're thinking, but just things to consider) can help me.
And I think some of this stuff playing out with him is also helping me handle relationships better. He'll tell me things and react in ways that others in my life might keep inside. In some ways, I feel he's been the most honest and open (in his reactions to me, not about his personal life) person I've had a regular relationship with in my life. (well, excluding a couple supervisors/advisors, but they were honest in a more negative, harmful way...). I feel strange saying this, but I'm sort of fascinated by both him as a person/T and our relationship. I'm not used to someone being honest like that. And I feel that it's helped me become more open and honest, too, which has had a ripple effect on my other relationships.
I do get what you're saying about the psychodynamic stuff--you're certainly not the first to say that (and even T has said it). Sometimes I think that's what I need. Other times, I think I'm where I'm supposed to be right now in terms of therapy. That I sort of want to take things as far as I can with this T, as I feel I'm progressing. If we hit some sort of major impasse/rupture, then I'll maybe take a break and see someone else for a period of time. Or if I seem to plateau with him or am continually hitting up against things and I can no longer handle not getting what I want from him, then it might be time to move on. But right now, I'm also seeing value in not necessarily getting everything I want (like unlimited free emails or frequent reassurance) and working through how I feel about that and how he feels about it. (Words I never thought I'd say...)
I'm also worried that if I see a psychodynamic T--particularly one who is warm and fuzzy like ex-MC--that I'll get kind of stuck there. Because I feel like with ex-MC, had we not had the big rupture (which was maybe inevitable at some point), I may not have ever wanted to leave him. Because he often made me feel good and accepted. And I liked that feeling. T has also said he wondered if I would have left on my own without some sort of rupture. And T's goal is more to ultimately send his clients off into the world. Which is in fact what I'd like. Maybe to continue seeing someone monthly, or to return if life becomes really challenging (which he said he does with some clients).
But it's something I'm going to continue to reevaluate. I didn't include this in the writeup, but T and I talked a bit about that. I said how maybe it would help me to just decide to commit to seeing him (barring a major conflict) for a set amount of time, like, 3 months or 6 months. He said that could be good, how it makes sense to question whether I'm seeing the right person regularly, but doing so after every session or even monthly could be taking up a lot of energy. And I agreed with that. So, we'll see...
ETA: Wow, that got much longer than I'd intended!