Hi MatBell. Glad to hear from you.

First - and this is no pressure, it's just a question: a couple of days ago I sent you a PM, just asking how you were doing. On that same day I sent out 2 other PMs. I didn't get replies to any of them. That's fine, I just wonder if I'm having some sort of computer malfunction or something. Or maybe I'm just unpopular. So if you could just let me know if that got to you, I'd appreciate it.

Secondly, yes, I AM "like that". I hate dealing face to face with people, and I hated the working world when I was in it. My last working situation, which lasted 10 years, was very difficult for me mentally. I had a supervisor who I felt very much under her thumb. She was very good at mind-f******g with me. She'd tell me it was OK to do a task a certain way, then round on me angrily for doing it just that way. She knew how to undermine my self-confidence and she did it regularly, seemingly just for the fun of it. Her tactics didn't work with everybody; some were strong enough not to let her get away with it. But I wasn't one of them. Whole weekends were ruined for me by the way she'd treat me on a friday, if she felt like it. Suffice to say I'm much happier now that I'm retired and can putter around my little hermit-like abode by myself.

I believe the concept of High Sensitivity as a trait was originated by Dr. Elaine Aron, and she has at least a couple of books out on it. You might find them of interest, and maybe helpful too.

Now, about your suicidal thoughts -- do you know why they come about? What it is about yourself that makes you hate yourself so much? What is so awful about your life that you want to die? I'm quite serious about this. I've been there myself -- in fact just recently -- where I felt so bad I wanted to die, so I can relate.

Also sometimes if you find yourself having obsessive thoughts about something, such as suicide, you might try holding still with yourself to see if you can identify a particular feeling underneath the thoughts, then try to focus on that rather than the thoughts. Not that you try to make the thoughts go away, just that you focus on your feelings instead. There will probably be no words associated with them.