Me and my boyfriend have been in LDR for 3 years. I've liked him since we're still in junior high school lol, it's been 8 years.

We're a playful and loving couple, everyone said. I already went to his parents, and so did he to mine. I was also introduced to a lot of his other family members. We joked around all the time about us being a parent of 3, going places, and all that. But we never really talked about it seriously, it was always a funny loving joke. He said that I understand him deeply, and as a person with lots of mental break downs and traumas, he is very helpful to me. And he would accompany me always via phone or physically if can.

The things is, I always feel something is rather wrong, missing. As if our conversations never really connect. I rarely feel understood or listened. There's always this creepy thought about me being replaceable. I've had an experience of someone so close to me leaving, both mentally and physically. I thought maybe it's because of the trauma. But yesterday I had him talk about his future goals, seriously. I'm a family person so anything that might clashes with that idea makes me feel very uneasy, especially if there's a possibility that my future children would end up feeling the same thing I did. But for all these times I feel very content with him.

Yesterday was the first time we seriously talk about our values and goals, and his were to be financially free in a young age. So he could travel anywhere he wants, without any kid in his travel he said, it would be complicated, he said. Actually traveling is also my hobby. We argued a little but I tried to fully listen and understand his value, and I tried to put myself to his shoes. Then he asked whether I have any backup plans incase this relationship doesn't end well. Honestly, I have a thought, but I never taken that thought seriously. Then he said he has them, and it was a rather detailed one. He then seemed to comfort me by saying he hasn't figure out who that upcoming person may be, but really, it didn't make it any less shocking and hurtful.

I was really surprised. I feel very wounded and betrayed, and my emotions numbed. And I'm somehow preparing myself for his absence, I even put barriers even thicker to both my relationship or friendship than ever before. Idk how to act towards him anymore