Today I was on a conference call for my work..I'm a manager at a retail clothing store..and I absolutely hate it. I usually don't take the calls, the actual store manager is supposed to take them but she put in her two weeks and doesn't care anymore and made me take it. They're pointless and stupid.. because I'm on the phone for an hour and a half listening to the same things I heard last Monday and the Monday before that...to how we can improve..going up against unrealistic goals that this company has set out.. I won't name the company but God I would give anything to get a different job. I was even supposed to leave my shift today at 5 but this store manager decided to take a 3 hour meal and didn't get back until 6-30..I'm just over it.

Anyways. I'm on the phone and there's a feature where you can mute it and when you're ready to speak you unmute it. Seeing as I was out on the salesfloor I had it muted so all the other store managers wouldn't hear the music.. and of course it gets busy as can be during these calls..and I'm tied between working with customers, helping my team and trying to listen and take notes on this call..it's absolutely frustrating. It's also frustrating that it feels like there's no help at this store. Nobody cares. Everyone is quitting. Half our team doesn't even show up for their shifts. No matter how much hard work you put in..you're still doing something wrong. My heart was racing with this call. I hate the calls because I get anxious I don't like speaking up. She took roll call and I unmuted the phone saying our store was on... then muted it... I had the phone resting against my face as I was greeting someone.. Then a customer came up from behind me needing a fitting room..and I apologized jokingly saying how much I hated these conference calls...

THE CALL WAS NEVER MUTED... and that is when my heart started racing more.I started picking my fingers apart as I heard my name and the district manager saying to mute my phone. ALL day I've had this on my mind.. the district manager already doesn't like me.. because I don't suck up to her like some of the other newer managers do. I've been with the company for 4 years. It's unfair. Cheap. They pay managers a dollar or two more than associates who have little responsibilities and they expect the world from you.

Anyways this became more of a rant then what I originally intended it to be. I'm really just anxious about the phone not being muted and what will happen. On my way home from work I started rubbing my picked fingers..the sides of them on my steering wheel..and God did it feel SO GOOD. And then taking the edge of my nails and pushing it into the ripped skin. I can't describe the feeling but it helps me and I know it's self destructive. Sometimes at night I catch myself doing this too.. to the point where I know I was up a few hours later because I couldn't stop.. I really need to find something therapeutic to keep my hands busy when I'm anxious..

In a few weeks I have an open group interview for another management position...I'm hoping this is my way out of this horrible company.