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Originally Posted by eclairparty98
I'm struggling enormously with my relationship, I feel physically sick with anxiety, disappointment and regret and may consider therapy asap. I've done almost all I can to make sure my boyfriend isn't paranoid, jealous neither untrusting of me - I don't leave our chat when we're not together because he wants us to speak back to back one to one. So I reply to friends through the notifications. Today, I left our chat a few times to kinda test the water, be a little rebellious, and reply to a friends message - what does my bf do? He goes to bed early and says "you seem more interested in someone else" just because I wasn't reading his messages straight away!!!!!!
BIG DISCLAIMER - I know now that I should NOT have EVER gone through excessive efforts of trying to prove anything to him. This is me hoping to find some insight on moving forward and learning from such naive choices which I gradually am.
It's a hard pain to explain but I feel internally and emotionally violated - I've no clue WHAT this horrible feeling is but I feel so gross and sick and angry at him for insinuating I'm doing something wrong by talking to a friend. I've devoted 110% of my attention to him and our chats since we first met MONTH'S ago so he knows I'm loyal to him. Just one day of talking to friends, I'm passively accused of hiding something. Bottom line is, I don't believe I've done anything wrong here but I know this will cause a huge problem tomorrow.
I can already see how this unfolds in several likely scenarios..
- he doesn't talk to me all day, maybe all week.
- we break up over the phone.
- argue.
- he apologises and we try to move on from this. But how much more can I take?!
This isn't the only problem we're having. There's far too much more to get into. I'm not sure how to feel.  everyone says he's manipulative and controlling but I would really appreciate some unbiased perspectives from anyone who understands/has been where I am and moved on 
When he's happy, we're perfectly fine but so much of the bad heavily outweighs the good. I'm so upset reflecting on the good times because we seem like aliens. This is what we really are!! He's paranoid, I'm devastated behind those seemingly happy faces.
this relationship isn't online, we're going through a period of not meeting in person after an argument in his car |
From your description, I will say that it seems to me that he is very very likely a controlling person but at the very least is severely manipulative.
"you seem more interested in someone else" Manipulative statement that is implying that if you're devoted to him there should not be a moment when your attention is ever split between him and others. Is this realistic? obviously you know it's not. It's also not fair to you. Ask yourself, first, does he actually believe this is healthy? The answers that come in both cases are bad. First if he believes this is a real and valid expectation what does it say about what he wants? That he wants you to be completely engulfed by him, his presence. If he believes that, is this the type of relationship you want to have? If he does not believe that this is a healthy expectation, it is worse because he is entirely aware of the manipulation and is doing it for control reasons. To make you feel bad and make you conform to his expectations. The more he can isolate you from others the more he has power to control. Because the controller wants no outside influences that might make you aware of what's being done to you.
He may be paranoid. He may have issues with trust. so? Who cares, it is not your job to alleviate those problems when they are not based on anything abnormal or wrong that you've done. having paranoia, trust or other issues is never an excuse to be manipulative and/or controlling and to expect the other person to make those symptoms go away. it is the opposite of loving someone because love as a behavior is one that seeks to give to the other, the things they need, and is selfless.