What I'm getting from this is that when you have sex you go really hard and rough because you're thinking about the older kids that took advantage of you when you were a kid, and you're releasing your anger towards them this way. It's almost like you're getting revenge, in your mind. Now you want to learn how to have sex simply for pleasure, without having these traumatic flashbacks. Right?

First of all, I'm sorry that this activity that's supposed to be purely pleasurable has been obscured by your childhood trauma It's not your fault, and nobody should have to go through that. Many victims of sexual assault can relate to exactly how you feel.

I think that this definitely needs to be explored privately with a therapist, or in a support group for sexual assault victims. They might give you ideas for healthy coping mechanisms, and at the same time, allow you to release some of the pain that you've been harboring for so long.