I think there is a lot to unpack, just in this paragraph alone.
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Originally Posted by goatee
I feel like if I keep getting upset about little things constantly, it’s going to erode our relationship, which I definitely don’t want to have happen. I’ve had that happen with a previous relationship and deeply regret it.
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That's the nice thing about the weird premise of the therapeutic relationship: you get to stay and work through it with minimal fear that the other person will bail. You also get a chance to practice being a different way in a relationship with plenty room to make mistakes and try again.
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Originally Posted by goatee
Yet I can’t seem to help all of my upsets when they happen, and I can’t seem to help myself from telling her suddenly. I also don’t want to make it clear to my T again how bad things really are between us.
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My guess is that your T can sense that things aren't quite right, and part of the distress you feel is the pressure building up when you feel like you can't talk about what's bothering you. But where else do you get to air all of the things that bother you and try to work on resolving them? There is the actual topic of the rupture to talk through, but then there is also the experience of communicating your feelings and being heard that can be very valuable. I try to use feelings words a lot with my T, both because she digs it and because it helps me identify what I am feeling in the moment. It sounds really basic, but it can help keep the conversation on track without me spinning out. Expressing the feeling in words keeps me out of the emotional "red zone" and better able to process what's happening between us.
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Originally Posted by goatee
That seems pointless because she will not change her mind about what happened and then she will also know that our relationship isn’t really okay, which feels horrible to me.
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100% relatable! My T is probably literally the most stubborn person I know and rarely changes her mind or admits fault, even when sometimes she really, really needs to. It is infuriating at times, but I have figured out how to accept/deal with that annoying part of her while still advocating for my needs in the relationship and appreciating all the good things about her. Being able to do that helps me in other relationships too.
I am also wondering what would happen if she knew that the relationship isn't okay. Because it's not okay on your end, right? It can feel totally horrible for important relationships to have conflict, but the surest way to save the relationship is to repair the conflict. If you just ignore whatever it happening for you, it's likely to get worse.
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Originally Posted by goatee
She does a lot for me and I know she will feel unappreciated then, which puts a lot of fear in me. So I just don’t know…
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Do you know for sure that she will feel unappreciated? I have no way of knowing from here, but I know that sometimes I assume things about my T based on past relationships, and my assumptions aren't always accurate. The very first time I got angry with my T, I tried to shut everything down but I was so angry that it all came spilling out anyway. I
knew on this deep, emotional level that she was going to shame me for being angry with her and then get even angrier with me. But of course it didn't happen. That was a turning point to see that I could express anger and she could accept it and we could talk about everything. Then later I was able to piece together where I got the idea that she wouldn't respond well. My point is that all of this stuff can be really good therapy material with the right therapist. I'm rooting for you to work through it, even though I know it probably feels miserable and hopeless right now.