I did some writing last night about the termination last May and the following couple of months
I know you know it's something that still affects me and our relationship
But apparently I'd forgotten just how strong those feelings had been. I'd forgotten how unbearable and excruciating the feelings of hurt and grief were. I think I blocked it out because I didn't want to remember, because it hurt too much.

But I think it's getting in the way of being vulnerable. I think I still don't really trust you. I think I'm still half expecting it to happen again. I hold onto my doubts that you really care about me, that you really mean the things you say, so that if it happens again I can at least tell myself that I was expecting it, that I wasn't stupid enough to let myself fully trust you this time. That I always knew you didn't care about me anyway.