Hi all. I had to post about what happened today. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, 3 hours later. So I tried a new therapist today, to see if he could be a good backup or a good replacement when baby T swaps locations. He was super awesome with emails and I loved the answers to my initial questions but it was just a massive let down.

So I get there and he had 2 chairs and a couch. There was a tan chair and a brown. I was just walking toward the couch and he was like "Sit in the tan chair, the brown is my throne" So I instantly thought that was rather cocky. So I said down and he's like "How do you want to use this time?" I'm thinking um,, to talk? LOL.... He asked me about London because of my shirt and went on about how love of Harry Potter (who cares) and how he's barely traveled. Asked me where I have traveled and what movies I like etc. I get that he was trying to relax me and connect or whatever but it seemed like too long to be talking about BS. I had told him in one of my emails AND my intake forms I did online that I was avoidant and hate attention and therapy is hard for me. He went on to ask me about my friends and my family, who I was close to. I said none of my family. He was like "WHY" he kept asking "Why is that?" to stuff which was annoying and I was thinking, isn't that your job to figure out? If I had all the damn answers I wouldn't be here.

At one point he brought up my insurance (he is not currently covered on my plan) and asked why I chose that plan? I was like umm it was cheapest?? What the hell. He asked me why I had to have surgery, very intrusive stuff for someone I just met.

He asked about my T and "Tell me why you think it was more of a friendship" so I told him just the same stuff I share here, the massive amount of non therapy texts, and video chats, and how my friend even met him. He didn't ask any further info on any of it but rather said "Well that's unethical behavior" I was instantly upset and offended. I was open in my intake that I DO NOT WANT JUDGEMENT, I'm well aware of the judgemental folks out there and already very guarded on what I share with whom. My best friend knows the most but I've even kept stuff from her. He just went on a tangent sort of about ethical behavior. Rather than ever thinking to ask me if what he did helped me at all and it did. It really did. I'm not struggling because of our relationship, I'm struggling because I miss him. I don't get why that's so complicated to get

Anyway... so I got really scared by the way he said it and how judgemental it felt that I burst into tears. I just said that I love him and miss him still. I just want to talk to him. Dead silence for several minutes. I hated that feeling. I need them to at least keep talking, say or ask something. However nothing. I apologized for crying which I haven't done at all since I was a child. (T made me feel so comfortable and normal with it, I never did that with him and I never did with baby T or the other guy I saw and cried with). He had no reaction to my apology and no comment or anything on the crying, instead he was like "So what's your favorite pie?" Ummm what the hell?

The only other thing that came up about T was how he cut me off for 2 yrs. He looked confused and I was like you know the 2 year no contact thing? He was trying to be professional and ethical about it, and he was like "Why would he be ethical about that when he wasn't about anything else?" At that point I knew, there was NO WAY I was gonna feel anything but judgement about this topic with him. Is that how you handle grieving people? Wow, what a fantastic T. *eye roll*

Then he obviously didn't read my intake **** very well... he was asking about my dating history to which I said there was none. He asked about the closest relationship I ever had and I said "My T" and he was like "Are you serious?" (more judgement) and He was asking about why I don't trust people, if I feel people are generally safe.... there was no point in this entire session, I felt support or validation in any form. Might as well have been my mom leading the session

He made a stupid comment based on everything I'd said in emails and intakes "You have really low self worth" well no kidding sherlock, hence why I'm here... and he left it and went on to ask another stupid question about my favorite card game. He didn't try to find out the why's to anything. Just assumed I had all the info.

He came off very condensing and judgemental. I mean baby T wasn't comforting me when I cried, I only asked long term T for that but he kept talking, normalizing that emotion for me... and this time, I felt like I was being punished or something, it was weird and terrible. The silver lining if there is one, I would never attach to him.

He has a few ok things about him, like he's good about emails, he has the day of sessions for crisis but I could never feel safe talking to him about T stuff. I could only MAYBE talk to him about other issues, but even then, I'm unsure. I feel like emailing him this evening to explain how he made me feel. Even if I never see him again, he should be aware of that. He comes off super friendly but terrified me. I normally feel instantly safe around men but nope.

Oh and he made a comment that I thought was rather rude about T.... he was like "Well you can click with him, you can click with other people" Like no kidding idiot. I have had friends all my life, I'm not unable to make friends, I just prefer to be alone or distant. I don't want a close relationship, and I don't think you can CLICK with people that easily, at least not at the level I had with T. That was totally not the point at all of why I was there, I need help sorting my feelings from the loss.... not being told dumb things like I've never heard them before or I'm incapable of being human. Ugh, anyway... I'm disappointed, I had high hopes for him