Quote:
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply 
I am very bad at setting boundaries with people. I'm not really sure how to work on it. I mentioned staying with a friend for a while to him and he flat out said 'no, that's probably a bad idea'. I'm also not the best with confrontation. I didn't know what to say so I was just quiet. I guess I'll just pack my stuff and leave, hopefully there isn't any drama. I feel stupid for putting myself in a compromising situation like this.
Not sure if they were more threatening or pushy. Maybe equal? I don't know. He had grabbed me once and wouldn't let go until I got really upset. Then he acted like it was a joke and I overreacted? Idk. That might have been pushier. On the opposite end there have been times where he's too cuddly. That probably made me more uncomfortable. |
I think you are on the right track with planning to just pack and go. Pack a backpack and wear flat comfortable shoes in case you literally need to run out. Ideally if you could leave while he's out at work or something, that would be better.
You are NOT stupid Yorkie. Your brother is exhibiting signs of an abuser. That is NOT your fault. You did NOT cause or create this situation. His actions are a reflection of his problems; not yours. Your example when he acted like it was a joke and suggested that you over-reacted is called 'gaslighting.' It is a strategy used by abusers in order to exculpate themselves and further confuse the abused person. If you google gaslighting and 'signs of abuse', I think it may help you. His flips between rage, control, and too cuddly are also indicative of an abusive pattern.
I apologize in advance if I have offended you with my direct comments about your brother's behavior but I think you need to know that these are indeed abusive behaviors and not okay. And it's not your fault. Please try to leave his home as soon as you can. Your instinct is sound; there's no value in trying to discuss your plan further with him. He is not thinking rationally. And when a person is abusing/controlling someone else; they become dependent on the person they are abusing...they feel lost without the sense of domination and control. So that is likely why he shut you down and said 'no' even though the reality is that this decision is not his to make. It is yours.
If we can help you in any way here on PC as you move forward, please let us know. And as uncomfortable as it may feel, the police are there if you need them. That is how I eventually got my ex-husband to leave me be. He wouldn't dare treat a cop (or another man) the way he treated me.
I wish you peace and hope. Please take good care of yourself Yorkie. You deserve it!
Remember that Body, Mind, and Spirit are with you. Yes, this is of course traumatic for you and yet part of you knows what to do...listen to that part of yourself...she's the part telling you to leave and go to your friend's place. The part that knows he shouldn't put his finger in your mouth or take your pay cheques or grab you.