Today’s session was intense but useful. R text me beforehand to say that she was running a little late. We sat down and she complimented me on my hair cut.
‘How are you doing? I got your e-mail –sorry I didn’t write back.’
‘This time of year is tough. My shoulders have been up around my ears since Friday.’
Stupidly, I did not mention the associated pain.
I explained that a friend asked how I am on Friday. ‘I lied.’
‘That makes you sound like a dishonest person, but I know you’re not. What was the motivation behind that lie?’
‘If I tell the truth, there is some permutation of “What can I do to fix this?”’
‘From the other person?’
‘Yes, and there isn’t really anything anybody can do. I have been that person.’
‘Do you think it is hard to be in that situation?’
‘Yes.’ I soon changed tack. ‘My friend asked how I was and upon hearing that I was fine told me something. I cannot be there for anybody else at the moment.’
‘That strikes me as a really honest thing to say.’
‘Yes. I wanted to censor the hell out of that email, but I didn’t.’

‘You didn’t? Was that the Critic?’

‘Yes.’

‘It seems like you spend a lot of time trying to work out the right way to say something, and that is tiring before anything else.’

‘I use language to make myself understood, like anyone else…’ I laughed as I said that, realising how daft it sounded. R also laughed.

‘I am trying to be more open with people at the moment, because that is the only way I am going to get through the next few weeks. When I introduce somebody new, I have to explain to them that though there were people who lied, Chris did not lie.’
I explained that Chris’ death was a single incident, but what they other people put me through was multiple incidents. ‘Multiple incidents are always going to hurt more than single incidents.’ I got a little bit angry then, on the theme of being ill-equipped or unequipped to watch somebody die.

‘Hand, please.’ She gave me her hand.

‘Multiple times, I watched her die. I was not there, and yet I had a ringside seat.’

‘You were not there and yet you feel as though it happened to you. Go there, Lost. Stay with it, you’re safe.’
‘Now I’ve paused for breath, I am back in the bathroom. Why the **** would one human being do that to another?’

‘Is that a question you need an answer to?’

‘No, but I need to ask it. That doesn’t make sense.’

‘Makes total sense.’
‘Unless you’re a monster, you don’t continue to add to somebody else’s pain.’

‘No.’

I talked about the frustration of not being able to translate, and the fear that if I allowed myself to feel it fully I would be unable to cope.
‘Because of all you have been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘What is in that ‘but’ for you?’

‘Contempt’

‘We know what you have been through, but we are going to carry on with what we are doing anyway. There is a saying that you can ignore anything somebody says before a but.’

R gave me a ten minute warning, and I showed her a new poem.

‘This line sticks out to me – “Unsure whether to weep or scream, I end up doing neither.’”
She went on to say that she experiences me as talking very intellectually. There is little emotion, everything takes a great deal of thought. She said that she has known people in her personal life as well as her professional life completely break down when something traumatic happens to them.
‘Being emotional doesn’t make you less of a beautiful poet, writer, user of language. You are still you.’
I sat there nodding for a few minutes. ‘Wow, thank you.’


‘You’re welcome. I feel like that has been brewing for a while now.’

‘There’s something I wanted to bring up before we finish today.’ I could barely look at her as I said the words. ‘When I am there, I am over here, and you are here.’

‘This happens [I look away] and this happens [my hair covers my face]’
‘Yes. Also< I feel quite alone with it, and I do not want to.’

R said that because of the way the room where we meet is arranged ‘It’s an easy escape for you.’

She recalled the time I got upset in session (last November)

‘I don’t want to bring up a difficult time for you, but I remember that I sat close to you and held your hands.’ She said that she didn’t want to be too directive, but seemed to understand why I need the connection.
‘I could see it was hard for you to ask. I don’t know what you need. I can second guess, but it helps when you are able to ask.’
‘After all, my inability to ask for what I need got me into this.’

‘That’s progress, the fact that you can make that link.’