Hello DoomRaven0. Sorry to hear that you and your wife are in this confusing situation. While I think your wife is struggling with an issue related to sex (even if she says there's no problem) I don't think it's reasonable for her to dismiss your concerns and say there's no problem. There is a problem. You are sexually frustrated and feeling increasingly physically alienated from your wife. She needs to truly listen to your concerns and at least start an open dialogue...even if it's a slow and careful dialogue which evolves over time.

I wonder if she has experienced sexual harassment or rape in her past....either in childhood or adulthood. That could explain why she denies that there's a problem and is not willing to discuss. If the problem is related to PTSD and fear of sex due to a prior trauma, perhaps she copes with that history by denying it in her own mind?

What about trying a different direction? Perhaps you could ask her about her general feelings about her body, sex, orgasms unrelated to you or your relationship etc. Ask if she ever saw a sex scene in a film she enjoyed or read an erotic novel. Try to keep the talk open. If she shuts down even a general chat about sexuality, perhaps you need to be more direct. Something like: "I am starting to wonder if someone hurt you in the past. If that happened, I cannot know how you feel but I imagine it was really frightening and would be painful to talk about. Our pasts have a way of affecting our present. I feel that there is a barrier between us. I love you. I want us to feel connected and close. Please trust me and help me to understand what that barrier is. Did someone hurt you love? Is it scary for you when I want to have sex? I will listen to anything you have to say. "

Ultimately, the current situation is untenable. It's one thing if two people marry with an agreement that neither one wants sex but it's not okay for one partner to dictate the sexual terms and expect the other to go along with it. If, after trying dialogue as above, you get nowhere with the conversation, you may need to point out to your wife that she did not tell you prior to marriage that it would be mostly sexless. Point out how unreasonable that is. It's no different than someone suddenly saying they don't want children when prior to marriage the plan of both parties was to have children. Or a partner saying after marriage that they are unwilling to contribute to the running of the house. It may not sound very romantic but marriage is a transaction of sorts....one which both parties agree to in advance. Your wife has changed the terms of your marriage; she needs to respectfully address that with you.

I hope you two can find a new understanding. Peace and hope to you.