Will try to respond to some of the posts later--I do appreciate everyone's comments. Just wanted to post Monday's session.

T Monday. First half of session was really just me filling him in on the past few days, which had gone pretty well (dinner with an old friend Friday, visit to a farm with H and D Saturday, hung out with H Sunday). I said how I knew I was talking about less deep stuff, and T said, "Maybe that's what you need right now." I said he was probably right.

I really can't even recall how we ended up on this topic. It was something about his providing care and support to me. T compared it to being a parent and the challenge of not doing everything for your kid, like being a helicopter parent, and being the opposite end, like "just rub some dirt on it, it will be OK." How it can be difficult to find the exact right middle ground. I said I knew what he meant about being a parent. And shared how that morning I'd told D she could put her shirt on herself, but I stood there in case she had trouble. He said I'd handled that well, and it was a good example.

He talked about how you have to support a child but also help them toward independence. And compared that to his role as a T. Used the analogy of a bird teaching its young to fly. How it can be scary for a client to do that, but he's there cheering them on, saying, "I knew you could do it!" I asked if that happened, ifhe thought I was doing well and managing things OK, would he decide that he no longer had to reply to my emails? He said I knew his policy, that he'd still always reply. But he might say something more like, "Your instincts in this are correct, and I think you're handling it well." (Or something like that.)

I asked if once you leave the nest, that's it, or can you come back? That of course I eventually want to go back to weekly, then biweekly, then maybe monthly. He said he has a couple clients who have continued seeing him monthly, how they say it keeps them accountable and from slipping into a bad place.

I expressed more fear that he'd want me to "fly" before I was ready. He switched to a different metaphor, talking about the deep end of the pool. He said he'd make sure I had time in the shallow end first. T: "I wouldn't throw you in the deep end before I know you're ready. That wouldn't be fair." I said I appreciated that. But what if he thought I was ready but I didn't/wasn't? I forget what he said to that.

I said this was all reminding me of when ex-MC compared how he was working with me to teaching his son to ski. How he kept moving gradually further away. Me: "And he reassured me that he wouldn't leave me on the mountain. But then he kind of did?" I mentioned how on Thursday, while I was waiting to turn out of T's parking lot, I saw ex-MC walk out of his office and go up the sidewalk (he didn't see me). And I just sort of watched him for a few seconds while I waited to turn. Said how Thursday is the anniversary of termination.

I guess we ended around there? He asked if I could switch to a different time Thursday, so I did. Scheduled for the following week. Went over to pay, and, shaking my hand, he said he hoped I could continue the positive trend from the weekend. I thanked him and said I hoped so, too. T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

I was hit by a bunch of paternal transference for him after the session, which isn't generally something I feel for him (some ET at times and some authority figure stuff, but not quite the same as paternal--it's hard to explain). I typed up an email to him that evening, but didn't send it. Figured I'd think about it until the morning. Managed to not send anything before 9 (he usually would read/reply to email before that time). But then I got really emotional and ended up emailing him around 11:30 am, knowing full well that he might not get back to me until the next morning. He ended up replying at 7 that night.

Me: "Hi Dr. T,
I tried hard to deal without sending email. But I'm really struggling with some paternal-ish feelings toward you from session (baby bird, deep end of pool). It's scary, partly because of Dr. Ex-MC. Promises he made, saying he wouldn't leave me on the metaphorical mountain (teaching to ski), when it feels like that's what he did.

It also struck me how I had to be perfect/good to get care from my parents, whereas with you, it feels like the opposite--if I'm doing good, I won't get as much care (at least outwardly). You commented I had a good weekend; that feels like one step closer to the deep end of the pool. (Even though you said you wouldn't throw me in if you weren't sure I was ready, and I keep telling myself that.) I know that's the goal. But it scares me. I suppose we need to examine why?
Thanks,
LT"

T: "LT-Sorry that you are struggling, but I think it's in part because of a misunderstanding. You said that "if I'm doing good I won't get as much care." What's actually the case is that the better you are doing, the less you'll need or want the care. We can talk more about this on Thursday, since I think it's an important issue. Your feelings about what you need take precedent rather than my interpretation of what you need. I'd also like to talk a little more about your feelings about Dr Ex-MC and your feelings of abandonment, if that's OK."

I really appreciated his response, as it helped me think about things differently We'll discuss more today.

Note: You can comment on this but PLEASE no criticism of my decision to email him. I'm doing the best I can right now. The fact that I was able to wait nearly 24 hours is progress for me (and it had been over 2 weeks since I'd emailed him--I'm not counting the asking for an extra session last week, as that was a text and merely asked what he had available, with no other content).