T, when we hugged yesterday something different happened... not bad, not wrong just different... now I am wondering if it was on purpose. I know when we talked about something similar I got really scared and you asked if I wanted you to stop, I said yes and you did stop. Then yesterday it felt like you were testing... testing if I felt safe enough with you? Testing to see if I was OK experiencing it, just not talking about it? But thenI know your head was spinning from our session so am I making too much over a silly accident? You are way too careful for accidents. IDK.
I liked sitting in your spot. I know it confused you because you expected me to sit in my spot and H to sit in your spot while you sat somewhere totally different. Do you know I couldn’t let H be in your spot? Do you know how much that would have hurt me? I really liked being in your spot. The view is SO different. Like totally different experience. I know at first you wouldn’t have let me sit here for so many reasons... but don’t be surprised now if I ask to switch chairs for some conversations. The view is symbolic. Everything about your office has purpose doesn’t it? God I love you. And I know why you need that spot too and it makes me feel good and safer knowing you need that spot. I totally didn’t understand it until I sat there... a session in your shoes?
I need to sew more stuff for you. Can you be OK with that? I know I will need them in our future work. I need the sewing practice and I need to know what I make will be valued... but making it is the important thing to me, I don’t want to keep them... I was shocked to find out that you brought the one I left with you to that other place... I didn’t know you had been to that other place since I had made it. Now it feels like I have in some way already been to that other place, like they already know me... I am not sure what to think. Please make space for that talk Monday.
I have a metaphor in my head right now for where we are at... but it is too intimate, too personal and I can’t share it. Maybe we can talk about why I can’t share it. IDK if I am embarrassed, ashamed, scared... the metaphor is perfect for where we are right now but... like many of my metaphors it is deep and detailed and intimate with multiple layers of meaning. I don’t feel safe anywhere with it.
Ok... running away now
Omers