You don't deserve this either. Though I have my husband, I feel alone. I rarely leave the house. I don't see the point of it. I want friends but it's too much effort to keep them. That sounds awful but, it's true. Do you have a therapist? Anyone to talk to?
It seems like after my parents death, and knowing I never mattered to them, my depression worsened. I'm totally shut out by my brother. He was so cruel to my family while my parents were dying, I cut off contact. I wish my attitude was better and I could enjoy anything at all.
I want to reach out to you and just sit beside you to give you company. I really do understand.