Quote:
Originally Posted by continuosly blue
My relationship has been poisoned over time. It will NEVER be free of the past.
Like the old saying, “ forgiven but never forgotten “. This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ? If I’m talking to someone who speaks a different language I’ll NEVER be able to understand them. Communication is nearly impossible. I curse addiction. Because that’s what it really is. I’m addicted to sameness. To a pattern. To a routine that I don’t have the courage, resources, or abilities to change. I’m such a sorry individual. Where is my prefrontal cortex ?
Why are my emotions running the show ? I wish they could be cut out.
There’s supposedly so many lonely people in the world , where are they ?
Why can I not find a single one to befriend ? I’m so tired of this .......
|
You struggle with complex ptsd. This typically means that a person grew up in some kind of dysfunctional environment and struggled to actually "feel" safe. Physical abuse tends to come with a lot of emotional abuse too. It can be very hard to know what "healthy love" really is. If a person is lucky to experience a mentor, that increases their chances of experiencing something "healthy" and to regain their personal sense of self worth and develp a stronger sense of self esteem.
The KEY is not to condemn yourself for whatever you had to do in order to survive either. Your saying that you seem to be addicted to "sameness", isn't always ALL BAD either. We are simply designed to figure out how to survive and it's actually pretty normal to develop our certain ways of doing so and prefering the "same" in that it's familiar to us and we are familiar with the challenges. We are in fact designed to seek "sameness" in that we have figured out how to survive whatever that "sameness" entails. Actually, the reason we like to experience what we know is that it allows us to navigate without having to use our frontal lobe constantly to figure out all kinds of details and have to stop and think about where things are all the time.
Emotional is especially hard, and for someone with complex ptsd, the emotional is often THE MOST sensitive area in the individual. That is the area of the individual's brain that is connected to their sense of well being and when someone has been emotionally abused or neglected, that means they were punished for having "emotions" which means they were punished for just being human. Often what is lacking for someone with c-ptsd is emotional safety. This can make them more vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship because abusers look for emotionally insecure individuals because they know they can manipulate and control them. Abusers tend to start off by getting emotionally fearful individuals to feel safe and protected, then they slowly use that against them by loving and withdrawing.
Sound familiar?