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eskielover · Apr 05, 2019, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

My relationship has been poisoned over time. It will NEVER be free of the past.
Like the old saying, “ forgiven but never forgotten “. This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ? If I’m talking to someone who speaks a different language I’ll NEVER be able to understand them. Communication is nearly impossible. I curse addiction. Because that’s what it really is. I’m addicted to sameness. To a pattern. To a routine that I don’t have the courage, resources, or abilities to change. I’m such a sorry individual. Where is my prefrontal cortex ?
Why are my emotions running the show ? I wish they could be cut out.
There’s supposedly so many lonely people in the world , where are they ?
Why can I not find a single one to befriend ? I’m so tired of this .......

I was in a marriage for 33 years. By the time I left any kind of interface with him literally caused my anger to explode & I literally saw red. It was a scary feeling. At that point I was sure if I ever had any thing to do with him ever again it would end up exactly the same.

Our relationship degraded so bad over those years there was no possible way of fixing anything & I got to the point I could no longer tolerate him.

I hadn't realized at the time that the major depression I had experienced the previous 13 years was in part what I was not even totally acknowledging how bad my actually marriage was on top of other loss of career issues.

I didn't want to give up my house & things I had worked so hard for.....but finally the cost of "status quo" became greater than the cost of leaving it all for something in my life TOTALLY UNKNOWN.

We keep trying because we have not convinced ourselves that the cost of staying is greater than the cost of leaving

Honestly even as I was leaving there was a VERY SMALL THOUGHT in my brain that maybe my actual leaving would finally get through to him that he needed to make the changes that would make the marriage at least tolerable even if not really good ever again. He didn't & I was gone & he was just as impossible to communicate with as ever.

Remember if you are both speaking different languages neither of you will understand each other...not just you. Lol....this statement totally reminds me of what I went through. It got so bad at times that I would sit him down like a kid & make sure he was listening & then I would make him tell me back what he understood me to say. Sometimes he would look at me exactly as if I were speaking a foreign language which is exactly why it degraded to sitting him down like a child. This wasn't dementia or anything like that because he was like that all 33 years of the marriage. My patience & tolerance was GONE by the end.

My anxiety level was so high & when anxiety is high the emotional mind does take over. It takes a concerted effort to access the logical mind & C-PTSD adds to the difficulty.....but it is possible.

As for "closure" that actually came last summer after 11 years totally away from each other & my going through very intense therapy with an outstanding T. I had a court case against him & wasn't sure how I would be able to handle myself knowing he never changed. We actually sat down & went through things in the house & had some very good closure conversations that NEVER got emotional. I actually shocked myself to be able to handle it the way I did. In my case therapy really paid off & so did the distance.

I forgive.....but I would never be stupid enough to go back. I have come to enjoy my single life while enjoying having made good friends in my new home. It all just really evolved into the life I have now. I took the first step & then everything just happened & I adapted because it felt comfortable & I felt peace for the first time in my life.

You can make a positive & good change fir your future