That is not true at all. If you are codependent, you do attract abusers. It has everything to do with who you are and the way you interact with the world. If you have poor boundaries -- a sign of codependency -- you will be a beacon to manipulative, abusive personalities b/c you never say no to people; you never put up boundaries with people, and you never hold people accountable for their actions.

People who have strong, healthy interpersonal boundaries can ward off abusive personalities when they encounter that type of person, b/c they know how to say no, how to verbally create space "I noticed you said this...that hurt my feelings" to "I don't like it when you do/say...b/c it bothers me..." Using "I" statements is a way to set boundaries.

But when you have weak to no boundaries with others, and just do what they tell you to do, you of course are the reason they are in your life.

I have dated enough abusive men to know this to be true. When I set firm boundaries, or tell the abuser my expectations (which is my right to do so), and they don't like it, that's because I've essentially told them, "I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore" so of course they react with gaslighting, anger, physical abuse, shaming, minimalize my feelings, etc.

The healthier you are with interpersonal boundaries and the more assertive you are communicating your expectations, the more successful you will be, warding off emotionally abusive, toxic, dysfunctional people. But it takes a LOT of inner work. A lot. You can't just read a book and be like, "Ok, I'm cured." Nope. Just like with every new skill, you need to practice it. I'm going on ten years of practicing my boundaries as a codependent, and I still make mistakes. But I've learned to recognize patterns of emotional and verbal abuse now, that I couldn't before.

So, for you to claim that we don't attract abusers into our lives -- well, that's very misleading b/c abusers are attracted to people with weak boundaries.