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Originally Posted by Doomraven0
Advice is always appreciated, friends! I have talked with counselors and friends in the past and it has been helpful which is why i came here.
A few things to mention...i am so sorry to hear that you were replaced with a porn addiction, that is absolutely terrible! Luckily, i was raised by a father who had an aversion to porn which i inherited. It doesn't do me any good anyway, as my wife is literally the only woman i fantasize about. That being said, i have known friends and families destroyed by pornography, so it bothers me that much of modern society views it as normal and/or benign. Speaking for some men, i think that they have a difficult time with the effort, commitment, and emotional connection that sex includes in a good relationship. So much like modern society's internet obsession, men enjoy the instant gratification that comes with porn as they get what they THINK they need (orgasm, physical satisfaction) and avoid the strength needed to be vulnerable with their wife. It makes me so sad that this essentially boils down to spousal abuse but the problem is ignored.
Being cut off from sex is excruciating, absolutely. Especially since, as i mentioned, i have always viewed sex not as a mere act but as a means of connecting closely with the woman in my life. I know that a very real part of the struggle right now is that my wife has gained a decent amount of weight since we have been together and she flat out tells me she hates how she looks and does not feel sexy. This hasn't changed how much she turns me on at all. I still love her body as is and i remind her how beautiful and sexy she is all the time, most of which she scoffs at and tells me i am crazy. I have provided gentle encouragement to start working out together, reminding her it is not for me, but so she can feel better about herself AND it gives us a goal to work on together. I don't know if this will lead to her libido increasing but i am hopeful.
I hope you have realized that your friends were plain wrong if they were telling you you shouldn't place so much value on sex. Everything from the Bible to modern science and psychology will talk about how sex is an essential component of any healthy marriage. Sex has taken on this dirty connotation that lingers in society's subconscience because of factors like porn. Your husband was wrong to treat you and your sexual relationship like it was an obligation. If i may be so bold, he was foolish to not want to connect with someone like you who is willing to provide kind advice to strangers putting something good out in the world. Sadly, modern men seem to think the way he did more and more, not realizing or caring, as with you, how much emotional damage this causes to women. You do not deserve to be treated how he treated you. *hugs*
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Thank you very much for the thoughtful reply Doomraven. You sound like a wonderful and committed husband so I really hope you and your wife can figure things out even if it takes quite some time.
I respectfully encourage you to re-think taking the anti-depressant. I understand your rationale but I don't think that's healthy for you. In terms of health and wellness for anyone, I think of Mind, Body, and Spirit. Taking an anti-depressant, even though you're not depressed, is likely not good for your body and brain. Those are serious medications which affect your brain chemistry as well as other body systems. If you feel that your natural brain chemistry is currently quite healthy, I worry that the drugs could disrupt that. With regard to Spirit (I don't necessarily mean that in a religious sense though that's what it means for some folks) I perceive you trying to medicate away or reduce your healthy libido as something which will squash your Spirit in a way. As you astutely pointed out, sex isn't just a mechanical act...it can be a beautiful and profound way to connect with someone you love.
I don't think the problems in your marriage are all about sex. I think there are some other things going on there too. You mentioned your wife's low self-esteem/body image struggles. It is going to be hard for her to feel free and to truly connect with you when she is feeling somewhat disconnected from herself. She needs to take ownership of her problems and the fact that they also affect you and the marriage. For her to simply deny the problems or shut down any dialogue is actually disrespectful to you.
So what to do? You already pointed out that you can't pressure your wife for sex. I agree of course. But I think perhaps you do want to emphasize the need for you both to participate in marriage therapy. You can address it without even mentioning sex...just say that you feel disconnected from her....you feel that she is unhappy and that makes you unhappy too and puts a lot of pressure on the marriage...so you'd like to try getting help with communication strategies from an experienced therapist.
I believe that a partner has a right to say that therapy is necessary when there is a significant disconnect in the marriage. That could of course be presented in a loving way...but I think it needs to be presented as essential at this point. If I remember right, you're both young and haven't been married long, yes? Whatever you accept now in your marriage is likely to be something you will be expected to accept your whole life unless there is some appropriate intervention now. Another way to think about it....is this how all problems in the marriage will be addressed (there will be more of course down the road....marriage is work)? She makes unilateral decisions and you are expected to go along with it without complaint? I think it's helpful to look at the big picture there.
It is wonderful that you love your wife so much and you respect her. I just think she needs to be more willing to meet you in the middle...by that I don't mean that she's suddenly able to have sex more often...but that she is willing to say "Yes love, your feelings and concerns matter. Let's find a therapist who we both feel comfortable talking to...let's figure this out together."
I wonder if your wife knows that you are taking a med you don't need in order to decrease your libido? Honestly, Doomraven, if i found out that my partner did that I would feel terrible and I'd know that we had a lot to talk about and work on.