I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, BoomerMudcat! I completely understand what you mean! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! i understand it must be VERY difficult for you to go through all of this especially when you're alone or when you're feeling lonely! I completely agree with what all the wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I feel like that may really help you! I'd suggest to talk to a Pdoc about this and see how it goes from there as well! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you! He/she's there to help you after all! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you and you'll both be able to find the right meds combination for yourself! Just try to check on yourself and to stay safe as much as you can! If you feel you're having an episode, definitely contact Pdoc, your therapist or any other doctor as soon as you can! Anyone or anything that may help you feel a little bit better! Do you have a support system IRL? Any friends or family member that you may reach out to? I hope they will be able to help you as well! Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Just try to find as many distractions and hobbies as you can if you haven't already! I feel like that's VERY important as well and that it may REALLY help you A LOT to get through all of this! Please stat safe and take GREAT care of yourself becaure YOU'RE WORTH IT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We all know it's true! I'm sure you know it as well even if it's deep down! Keep fightin as much as you can and keep trying your best to survive as much as you can! Our best is all we can do after all and it's more than enough! Please be kind to yourself! Please don't be too hard on yourself! You're a strong, wonderful person, You're an AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! If things get REALLY bad, definitely try to call an hotline or go to an hospital as soon as you can! I know it's not an easy decision to take, but you NEED to take care of yourself and to do everything that you can do to stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself because YOU DESERVE IT and YOU MATTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I believe in you! We all believe in you! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as much as we do believe in you and that you'll be able to see yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are like WE'RE ALL SEEING! YOU'RE STRONG! You can do this! You've got this! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BoomerMudcat