I've started a process to shift the responsibility for caregiving of my bf, so that it is not so totally and heavily on me. He's in a hospital now and will be going to a nursing home temporarily. I have the option of making that a permanent placement, but I don't have to decide that for a couple of weeks.

Recently, my ability to handle what I've been doing seemed to be falling apart. But I wanted to make no major changes. It sort of came to a crisis, as he has been much sicker for the last two months. I've been getting too upset with him. I've been neglecting things, like not even opening my mail because I couldn't find the time. Lack of time was not the real problem. I was becoming disorganized and not budgeting how I use my time and energy in a practical/mindful way. I knew that and thought I just have to try harder and thought I could try harder. That kind of thinking was getting me nowhere. I felt so unhappy that I didn't really care if I was getting things done on schedule. I was neglecting this, that and the other. I was becoming irresponsible.

When you set up your life so you're not getting much satisfaction out of living, a part of you may just up and rebel. Then you can't "make" yourself do what you've committed to doing because you're in a civil war with yourself. Dogged determination may seem to carry you through to an extent, but willpower starts becoming a scarcer resource. I was barely dragging myself through the day. I've wondered why I just didn't really want to do anything.

I was getting in despair that I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. I decided to give up trying to mentally whip myself into conformity with the plan I believed I was supposed to be following and change the plan.

Change doesn't come easy to me. I don't like change. So I tend to overlook how I can do things differently. There is no guarantee that a new plan is going to be an improvement, but I think I have to try some changes and have hope that there's got to be a better way.