I very much appreciate you mentioning anticipatory grieving. We all know that those we love will not live forever. By a certain age, most people have been through loss preceded by anticipatory grieving. It is part of life.

In the case of my guy, doctors started telling me a few years ago that his demise was around the corner. I don't fault them for giving him that prognosis. It certainly seemed justified. His family have visited multiple times, each time thinking they were seeing him for the last time. I've spent two Christmases with him, where each time I thought that was our last Christmas together. Last Spring I tended the garden he started, wanting him to fully enjoy the last time he would see his flowers bloom. Now Spring comes again, and the plants want tending. But I haven't had time for them.

How many times do I have to put my heart into another "last time" only to have to do it again? How long does the Grim Reaper get to show up at the door, only to hang around and hang around, and his shadow never leaves? He threatens, but then holds back. Not so my guy can recover, because my bf doesn't recover. He just lives on with worse and worse afflictions and debilities. Not so I can mourn and pass through the mourning, because the ordeal isn't over. We're both trapped in this waiting place. He's a positive thinker. But I forget how many hospital admissions ago it was when he said, "I keep coming to the hospital, but I don't think I'm going to get better." What stunned me was I had known that for many months, and he was just realizing it.