T Thursday, on anniversary of termination with ex-MC. Went back and sat down. T started right in with stuff from my email. He reiterated something he'd said there, that it's about what I feel I need and am ready for, not what T thinks. He wanted to make sure I understood that. I said I did and appreciated his clarifying.

I talked a bit about ex-T and how I'd seen her for 6 years. It seems like I should be close to being done by now. And with coming in twice a week, it seems I should have made more progress, because that was part of my thinking behind twice a week. T: "Well, if you were only coming once a week, maybe you'd have made a lot less progress." Me: "True, there's no 'Sliding Doors' option where I could see where I'd be now if I'd done once a week." T: "And with the 6 years, you could be on a 6-year path with me as well." Me: "OK." It made me feel better in a way hearing that.

T was suddenly thoughtful. T: "I'm forming an idea here." He thought for a minute. T: "OK, I'm going to share this, but it might be more batter than cake." Me: "OK." T: "I wonder if my sharing some of my goals for you recently was a mistake. If you're trying to be a 'good student' and trying to do more than you're ready for right now, because you know what I'm hoping you'll achieve." Me: "Hm...that could be. I have to think about it." T: "As I said, it's only half-baked right now." Me: "yeah, but it makes some sense."

Me: "Can we talk some about ex-MC now? You'd said in the email that you wanted me to talk more about how I felt abandoned." T: "Sure." Me: "I was afraid in asking me to explain it, you were trying to suggest you didn't think I was abandoned." T: "Well, I think you both played a part in deciding to leave." Me: "Yeah, I was talking with someone about this, and they said that 'rejection' might be a more appropriate term. They're probably right." T: "I definitely understand how you felt rejected." Me: "OK, good. Because I'm not sure ex-MC ever really understood that." I forget what he said to that.

I said it's also hard because the termination was kind of abrupt, like we had a regular session, then just in the last couple minutes was when I said I didn't think I could continue seeing him. That he'd said we could take a break and decide later, and I said no, I thought I needed to be done, not leave it open. And that was about it. And when we shook hands at the end, he just said the usual "It was good to see you." Which felt kind of weird. T: "That does seem weird."

T asked if I wished we'd had more of a regular termination session. I said I kind of did, but hadn't he also said those are rare? He said true termination sessions are, but can be good to at least spend part of final session talking about it. How he's had some clients come in, have a normal session with him, then when he gets out his phone to schedule, they're like, "Today is my last session." He said how that can be weird for him, too. That he would have wanted even 10-15 minutes to talk about the ending. Me: "I guess you probably wonder what happened." T: "Partly that, but also wanting to talk about how they'd progressed in therapy, their achievements."

I said it would have been nice to have had that with ex-MC, that I thought he'd have kept us longer to do that, as he often did, but maybe he had already kept us longer that day? We came up with the idea of writing a letter to him with what I wished I'd shared. T: "Then you can bring it in and we can discuss it and determine whether you'd actually want to share it with him or not." I said I'd try that (haven't done it yet).

I said part of me just wished I could sit down and talk to him, like one friend had said, "Why don't you just schedule an individual session?" And I said I was sure he wouldn't be willing to meet with just me, didn't even know if he'd be willing to meet with me and H. She also said maybe I could just meet him for coffee, and I said there was no way he'd allow that. T said he could understand ex-MC, with the way things happened, not feeling comfortable meeting with just me. Because he's thinking of how I was a year ago. But that T knows how I am now, and if he were to talk to him, he'd tell him that he didn't think there was any threat of anything inappropriate going on (I assume he meant from my end?) Which was a complete hypothetical, but it was good to hear that T does think I'm different regarding him now.

I said that's part of why in the past (like a year ago) I'd asked if it was possible to set up a meeting between me, T, and ex-MC, so that T could be almost like a mediator/third party. I said something about meeting in T's office if we did that. T: "I think ex-MC would feel better in his office. If he came here,it might seem more like I was doing couples counseling with the two of you." Me: "Hm, maybe. Though I'd feel more comfortable here." I said maybe we could discuss that possibility more in the future, and T agreed. (NOTE: I'm fully aware that this is likely a terrible idea--I just feel sort of stuck in my grieving at times, and wonder what other things could possibly help. This is not something I'd just dive into without thoroughly discussing any possible consequences with T--and T wouldn't let me do that anyway.)

I said I wanted to talk a little more about what I was feeling Tuesday morning that led me to email T. How I'd tried to get through without emailing, but then that morning I basically fell to my knees sobbing in the shower. That I felt the same ache that I get with paternal transference. I wasn't sure if it was mostly about ex-MC, or if some of the stuff T had talked about--bird leaving nest, not throwing me in deep end before I was ready--triggered some paternal transference for him. And it was weird for me because I tend not to feel that toward him. Maybe some authority figure stuff but it's a bit different from paternal stuff.

T asked me to explain more what the paternal transference felt like. So I talked about the literal ache in my chest I would feel at times that seemed like it was coming from an earlier time in my life. Especially if I felt rejected by ex-MC, like when he was initially denying me a second individual session. Said how because he was so accepting, the rejection probably felt much worse. And seemed to go back to something from childhood, but I wasn't sure what.

T said he was having trouble understanding. I said I was doing the best I could to explain the feeling. He said he understood the physical feelings, just not the emotional. I said I was really trying, not sure how to get him to understand. T: "It's not just that I don't understand. I don't think you really understand it either. We were talking about the batter before--I don't think this is even that, I think this is just a bunch of ingredients sitting on the counter." Me: "Hm, yeah I guess I don't fully understand it, and that's part of what makes it so difficult. Because the feeling is different from when I have some sort of romantic rejection--I've had that plenty of times in my life, so I know what that feels like. This just seems like something else.

Talked more about effect ex-MC had on me. Me (crying, as I had been much of session): "It's like at times I thought maybe he was the person who could fill the void inside of me." (I realized that sounded vaguely sexual and tried to think of a better comparison, but they were all things like "fill the cup" so I gave up.) Me: "And maybe he did a bit, but then it was like that chance was gone. So maybe I'd just have to go my whole life with that void. Even though, I mean, even he said he couldn't fill it, I had to do that for myself. But it still felt that he could." I forget what T said to that--he seemed understanding.

More about role ex-MC played for me. Me: "At times, I thought he was one of the most important people in my life. Not like, at that particular time, but ever." T said that was understandable, as he seemed to give me so much understanding and acceptance. Me: "I used to think he understood me more than anyone, and that's why it was hard to leave. I mean, I think that's why I'd often cry on the way home from sessions, because I was in this really accepting place, then had to return to the world." T said in a way it's why crack addicts keep chasing the drug, because nothing else could make them feel that way. Me: "So you're comparing ex-MC to crack?" T: "Maybe. And crack is cheaper than therapy!" (He said if I shared that comment, to make sure it was in context!)

I think that's when I said I knew we had to stop. Maybe we had a brief conversation about something else? Not sure. Confirmed next week, I threw away my tissue pile and went over and paid. T, shaking my hand, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "You too." No "take care" this time. I looked back at him, as I still felt pretty emotional, but he was busy on his computer, presumably sending my invoice.

Got really upset and emotional later that night, but not going into all that here...