yesterday was so bad, i didnt think i could even function right around people, it was a very hard day.
im not even sure if it was mania or depression, or both.... all i know is i hated it.
last night i had such a horrbly vivid dream. i was full of horror! i was missing an eye, and i looked at it in the mirror in my dream... it was so graphic, i thought it was real. theres no way to describe the terror i felt, but i was resigned to it. i accepted it as real because that is how hard my life has seemed lately.
my quiz results on here showed no depression.... but did show mania. only moderate though. i have been fully manic where i didnt even think anything was wrong. but this time i knew there was something wrong. i was toying with the idea of self inflicted death. even smiling about the plans i could think of. smiling about my pain, laughing while i cried.
i lost my mind! today i feel different. and i know why. it is a placebo effect. i found my depakote... i havent taken any yet, but holding the pill bottle in my hand, gives me reassurance, that at any moment, i can turn this off.