Me: "And maybe he did a bit, but then it was like that chance was gone. So maybe I'd just have to go my whole life with that void. Even though, I mean, even he said he couldn't fill it, I had to do that for myself. But it still felt that he could."

Your words here touched me so much, bc for a while it seemed like ex mc could cure all that heartache.

My T and I talk about how there is an unfillableness in us, in all of us, as part of the human condition. Then though, in a few people, there is the anguish without words. Bion described that this comes from a misfitting babyhood that cant be remembered, but will be felt on and on into adulthood as sorrow beyond language.

Ex MC wasn't able to "stay alive" in the theraputic space between you for which he was responsible and offer respite until you outgrew the need for him to do so, but current T seems to be able. The irony is he isn't quite the addictive catnip ex mc was, likely bc he does less merging( is healthier ) .

I do think ex MC didn't do very good MCing with you, but was drawn to your seeking and searching for solutions to experiencing that void enough that he formed a bond with you more than with your H. When you think about that, I cant help but wonder if the void was more mutual that he allowed for at the ending.

My T is very clued into the idea that addicts actually seek to merge with other humans first, and then find that merging can never be sustained and try to discover a more reliable, controllable source of respite bc the pain is that bad.

I wish ex MC had been better balanced- kept that sensitivity and compassion, but with a steadier compass for setting your course.

I am very sorry for this loss you experienced.