Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Thanks for this. I'm pretty sure it's mostly about past hurts and other childhood stuff, too. I've never felt truly accepted by my parents for who I am--particularly the mental illness aspect (and introversion, for my mom)--and it felt like ex-MC was giving me that. Like what I missed from childhood. His talking about how he helped his daughter, then son with their anxiety fed into that as well. Like, what if I'd had a father like him?
Your last paragraph made me wonder something. I wonder if part of what I'm mourning now isn't just losing ex-MC, but having more of an understanding of the reality of the situation? His last email response to me, in early December (the last time I contacted him) felt sort of final and didn't seem to have the same caring under it as others. So maybe some of it is dealing with the harsh reality of what the relationship actually was--and wasn't. Like, now that I'm out from under that spell/intoxication/whatever you want to call it, I can see more clearly what was going on.
I think seeing him walk out of his office (while I was leaving T's parking lot) a couple weeks ago may have also reminded me that he still exists but isn't a part of my life anymore. It's been 4 months since we've had any sort of communication, and his last email reply to me felt sort of final, and I didn't feel the same caring underneath it as usual. But it's hard to say if that was his tone (like intentional on his part) or if I was just seeing it differently now.
Some stuff to think about...
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I don't mean to but into this... but I could see this as being a thing. I'm going through similar. Seeing things for how they really are, and that he's really gone etc. It's absolutely devastating to me and it's partly why I am so busy distracting myself, so I can avoid these constant thoughts in my mind. I feel so dumb for believing he liked me, for example.
I know some people have said that I'm "lucky" that he is open to contact in 2 years but I'm really not. The thing is, there is NO WAY, I can mentally handle possible rejection of any kind unless I get my head together by then. I have a ton of work before that's even possible. Plus I have to realize, how different it will be if anything happened.
As for the stuff with your parents, I get it, but the sad part is, you can't ever get that part of your life back. There will always be a piece of you that is missing, kind of like when someone dies. You just have to learn to love yourself where you are, see the value in you, and try to live every day for you and your family. (H&D) The self worth stuff is something I'm going through too right now, it's a long journey but we can get there.
