my moms like "you don't know how good you have it. we've lived in ****** homes with mice and roaches all over the place... worse than the houses we've lived in when you was a kid. we almost went homeless"... completely forgetting that we were also poor when I was a child. we've lived in ****** conditions too... the sexual abuse from her ex... the severe neglect my dad put me through and the emotional abuse she put me through and some outright physically abusive... same with my uncle tom and my uncle tim threatening me with a knife and intimidating with it because he was too high to understand any

she never dealt with sexual abuse. she never dealt with being locked in the room without food or hygiene for days. her brothers may of fought her but at least her parents didn't go further than hitting them on the *** with a belt. she doesn't understand and when i tell her she forgets.

i use to tell myself i'm making it up... even when it was happening... i talked with my sister about what my dad and stepmom did to us... she remembers. she remembers us eating old food on the floor, drinking old pop cans with pop and cigarette and ashes in it and god knows what else because we where that hungry and that i think what ****ed me up more than the sexual abuse. because i couldn't blocked that out my head like i could when my sexual abuse and rape happened. it was painful but at least the pain went away with disassociation and not remember it... you never forget feeling hungry and pounding on the bedroom door and only getting yelled at and spanked because I was acting "bad". however, the sexual abuse pain i remember it through dreams so idk what's worse.

but i feel like since i wasn't beaten senseless i feel like it doesn't count. at least that's what i thought as a child. at least no ones beating me with cords half to death.

i remember trying to hang myself on a tree with a jump rope in my grandmothers back yard at 7 years old... at around 8-10 years old i took my grandfathers hand gun and pointed it to my head... luckily never pulling the trigger. I tried drowning myself at 15. i've almost swallowed a bunch of pills at one point around 16 - 18 years old. at 21 almost 22 tried to slit my wrist in the shower... luckily i got too scared to cut deep enough to hit anything vital.