I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, BirdDancer I completely understand what you mean. They're not horrible thoughts AT ALL! It's very understandable that you'd feel the way you do. From what you wrote it seems like with the death of your mother you didn't just lose one parents - you've lost two, in a way. No wonder that you needed to grieve the "loss" of your father! I hope you'll forgive me if I use that therm. I know it's not the correct one, but it's the first that comes to mind. I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I completely agree with luvyurself! I hope sarahsweets will see this thread as well and I hope that she'll be able to give you the wonderful advice that she always gives to everyone since your father is also struggling with alcoholism. I'd tag her, but I'm afraid to bother her Perhaps you may PM her! I'm sure she'll gladly reply to you! I'm so sorry you and your sibilings are going through all of this! Please remember that you've ALL done ALL that you could do to help your father! He's the one that needs to put the hard work if he wants to get better and if he wants to have a better relationship with ALL of you! I'm sure he loves you ALL very much, but I completely agree with Open Eyes! He probably just doesn't know how to express his feelings to all of you, or perhaps he's just feeling confused at the moment and doesn't really know what to do or how to do it! Perhaps you could try to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Maybe that could help! I'd suggest to just be honest with him and to try to ask him if there's anything that he may want to talk about and if there's something that's bothering him or that has been bothering him! Just try to have an open, heart-to-heart, honest conversation to him about this and see how it goes from there! Perhaps you could tyr to ask to your sibiling for some help if you need it and want it! I'm sure you've tried it many times already! Perhaps you just need a different approach? Just some thoughts, I don't want to lecture you AT ALL! Just remember that you've tried your best and that's ALL that matters! Please be kind to yourself and your family and remember to take some time for yourself! We can't fully help other if we're not taking care of yourselves first after all! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I hope things will get better soon for you, your father and your sibilings! If they don't, please remember that you gave it your best shot! That's all we can do in life and it's ALWAYS more than enough! KEEP FIGHTING! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BirdDancer