Because I don't want to fall again for the lies of "I love and accept you" again. Because the actions don't follow the words. With the gender stuff, no straight man could ever possibly accept me or understand me. I'd have to be a "woman" and forget who I am again. I also don't want to have to live in someone's shadow. I grew up with a man who thought females were inferior. I don't feel like I can be treated like an equal or that I can be equal if I actually am inferior to a man in any way. My ex didn't even defend me when other men would treat me as inferior.

I can't imagine anyone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth and is straight (to a lesser extent) to understand how scary it is to be yourself at all and especially to a non-LGBT+ potential partner. Or how easily I can be pushed into the role.

That only works if both partners are willing to actually help the other out and put even a little bit of effort using their skills to help their partner achieve their dream etc. It really means nothing if there's no actual teamwork. And why would I ever trust someone to actually be a team player and actually help me where I lack without accusing me of being willfully stupid or inept? It doesn't matter that I give freely of my time and talents to help another person.

And the playing by ear thing...I have never met someone with a music degree or was in a music program or plays professionally that was worse than me at playing by ear. I can do it, but I'm very slow so I can never get it as fast as other people. No one's been able to figure out why. I have a better sense of intonation and music reading ability than a lot of people. I think it's because I have a really hard time paying attention to anything and I can only process small amounts of aural/oral data at a time. If someone gives me instructions on how to do something, it has to be one step at a time or it has to be written down. If someone says two steps in a row, unless they're incredibly short, I just forgot the first one. But no one cares about that. They just care that you're too slow and an inconvenience. And then I can't enjoy playing with people when I have to play by ear because no one's willing to help me. Mr. perfect pitch wouldn't help me and when he tried he would just get mad that I would forget information like I was being stupid on purpose. How would that not hurt my feelings? That I'm so stupid and incapable that someone can't even believe I'm that stupid.