Keep posting and keep resisting the urge. I have felt the urge so many times I can't count them. Last week my T told me if I did not change my attitude, by life, I would not make it. He challenged me to overcome the urge to die, to kill myself. I accepted his challenge and I have found it to be very, very hard. Talk to your T about this - he/she needs to know. Both my T and my pdoc know of my urges and that I have several plans that will work and be painless to me but they trust me enough that I have promised not to act on them without a call to either of them to talk. And I have kept that promise. Without my T I would be dead now. He has saved my life wiht his compassion and experience and his trust in my basic goodness. Keep safe - remember - we have a disease - it may not be able to be cured but it can be kept in reasonably good control with meds and T. Get help. keep posting here - there is more to life than depression. I have seen it in between bouts since I have been in therapy - it is possible. You are an important member of this family and we all care.