It is a gorgeous autumn day here. Had an amazing session with my T. We’re dealing with the trauma of my last mixed psychotic episode plus my illness in general. Talked about my psychotic delusions that all mental health professionals were conspiring to control and manipulate me. Being made IP was terrifying in this state. The extreme nature of my self destructive urges were almost uncontrollable. Yet my will to survive remained strong.,

Right now my T and I are talking to focus on strengthening me so I can handle another such episode should it happen. I am at high risk of it happening again due to many factors so this is crucial.

Awesome thing is that after I left I realised I could accept this situation and my illness in general. I no longer feel the need to control everything to try and save myself. Of course I need to continue doing what I can but no longer focus on what I can’t. This leaves me feeling content despite my circumstances.

I’ve always refused to accept the truth about my illness and situations. While it is very hard to accept things such as possible death, disability, people rejecting me and regular horror mixed episodes with some hypo/manic episodes and occasional psychosis, I now finally feel content with my lot in life.

I just hope I can hold onto this revelation.