So im back home and have calmed down. i need to explain.

this morning at work has been hard because i feel under my supervisors fire. they check everything i say, how i say it and how i report to people what they tell me to say. they even went as far as making me read something out loud and then told me to tell them what i understood from it to then say i misunderstood it. they have thrown my confidence below the floor. they also check everything i do, they check how many seconds of pause i take between calls and when they notice it, they run to me asking whats happening (whats happening?? im just doing my job checking if i did things right!) and then they even reprimanded me for taking my break at the wrong time (breaks are scheduled too). i really felt bashed by both of them today. and was shaking on the edge of a mental breakdown when i finished my shift.

i kept thinking about why they were persecuting me so much. and even if i could think of one rational answer (they want and try to optimize my job because of money issues), i could only think that since i had proved them i could handle a full time job and they were always against it, they wanted to destroy me and force me to go IP, ask for a part time, or even quit. i could not stop thinking they really wanted to destroy my mind and my job and find a way to make me quit or fire me.

as soon as i got home i got drunk, i posted here, took a quick shower and went to T. when there, i told her i was going to tell her what was happening and why i was drunk, only if she promised not to tell anything about it at next week's meeting. so then i went on and on about all these things i've posted here about my job issues. and them making me feel incompetent, lazy, inadequate, stupid, misunderstanding things and unable to talk with people in the right way.

she supported me saying this was too much pressure to put on me, that i do have the disability for something that is real and that they cant continue this way. she asked me what we were going to tell them at the meeting. i said i was not going to say anything and just listen to them. she then asked me if SHE could say that i do better with positive reinforcements (that happened a few times when they tried to encourage me) and that i do need a little bit of time between calls and that im doing my best and not to put so much pressure on me. (the job is enough stressful on its own to even have them to add pressure to pressure).

Done with that, i asked her if it was thanks to her that P came back sitting next to me and she said she didnt call the supervisor, that the supervisor was worried seeing me so upset all the time (but didnt believe me it was because of the desks change) and she then had to admit to her that i do not do well with changes and so then P came back sitting next to me. i thanked her for that. i told her about the real JOY (the physical feeling) i felt when P came to sit next to me (something that hadnt happened in at least 20 years). i told her he too was happy of being back and that we still do exchange a few words every now and then and that maybe i'll ask him out for an icecream as soon as i feel ready to.

i also told her about opening up about P with my friend on friday and about how i tried to support her (and even hugged her) when she got in my car crying. i explained the situation and my T was very happy to hear i have such a good friend and i behaved so nice with her too.

i also told her about seeing my parents getting old in a devastating and shocking way. she was supportive and understanding with that too.

in the end i told her about the positive things about living alone, as the freedom to decide whether or not to turn on the heat, about the grocery shopping and i was going to tell her about the freedom of not getting home right away after work if i wanted to and not being forced to warn anyone (because noone is waiting for me home - negative is = im alone) but i forgot.

then we talked about my dad helping me with stuff. last week thanks to my parents i got to fix 2 appts that needed to be fixed but that i wouldnt have had the courage to fix if it werent for them and i told her my dad would have come at my flat today too after T.

i left T with a huge sense of gratitude. i would have liked to be able to express it to her for listening to me venting and being so supportive but i couldnt find the words. i thought maybe i could write her a few words. maybe for next time. she also said i could contact her if i needed to during the week if something else like today would happen. it was so nice of her. Thank You T.

then i came home got a coffe and my dad arrived. we did get to fix a few more things since last wed. he figured out how to fix the mirror in my room (left for next week), we figured out how i can watch my tv series with headphones (my tv was not set for output audio signal) and we finished the paperwork we needed to complete. it was a very pleasant and useful company. i love my dad so much too and i thank him too for all he does for me even if he's not good with words or showing affection. i do know he loves me too.

Now he's just left and i heard my mom on the phone, now im going to eat dinner and then i'll work on what i want to tell exT next week. and i'll also check tomorrow's breaks schedule so that they cant complain about it again! nothing has really changed from this morning, but at least now i feel im not alone in this fight at work and my T is with me. it means a lot. so much!