Well, I went back to the one I saw last week, who was not that wonderful, but after that session, I emailed my complaints and he replied apologizing and saying he wants to support me the best he can and that if I chose to see him again, he would be more aware of his words

Today, I found out the weather is supposed to be garbage the next few days and I'm scheduled for baby T 2x (thur and Fri) but I wasn't sure how likely I'd be able to get to either one this week so I asked the other guy if he was open, he had something today which saved me money since he isn't covered in my insurance yet

anyway... I am struggling because of the would be 2 yrs of knowing T and some other crap going on in my life. Feeling really down and lonely. I knew I needed a session somehow. We briefly discussed the T thing and he basically just said to find ways to distract myself... I'm not sure he's very comfortable with the topic since he says it was unethical etc or maybe he doesn't know how to help much. So he was getting me to talk about other things (sneaky)

Turns out, he's actually pretty good with some things. He got me to talk about some childhood stuff I usually avoid and was saying how even if I have blocked out much of my childhood, due to my reactions to things and phobias, there is a part of my mind (Limbic system) that remembers feelings so I still have "trauma" from it. He asked if I'd done EMDR and was explaining it but he then told me he doesn't do it, he isn't trained (LOL no idea why he told me) but anyway, alot of the stuff we talked about, which I honestly didn't think I'd be willing to talk about, was helpful feeling and he seems like someone who could potentially help me with some of the issues I struggle with now because of the past, and some sexual stuff (he specializes in sexual issues) He's direct, which works well for me. Just sucks that he is so pricey without insurance and he may not be on my insurance for sometime

Baby T though, is REALLY helpful for the T grief. He's got me to share more things about our relationship than I ever thought I would in therapy. I'm very guarded with that topic. He has never judged T or anything and still keeps the hope alive for me with the future talk etc. He's also very helpful with CBT and mindfulness stuff.

They both have things that annoy me, I don't think I'd attach to either one but they both have strengths that could really help me. Sigh.... I've heard you are not supposed to have 2 at the same time. Although Baby T might me moving locations in a few months and T3 would be on my insurance around then, so who knows but at least it's nice to have him as a back up for now but he actually made me walk out with a feeling of some "Hope" for myself, as far as not feeling stuck with this massive self loathing. He really seems to get the whole attachment stuff too. Explained very well why I would be avoidant, where it comes from etc.

Just wanted to share, what a tough choice I have to make.