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Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ
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I was told once in by a therapist that I needed to express my anger in therapy - so I did - I was immediately terminated. Penalizing me after giving me permission was incredibly traumatic - shame for feeling and expressing anger is exactly what I experienced in childhood despite every right to be upset, but needless to say, all of this was linked to past trauma in therapy and that is why it bothered me so much.
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This basically describes what happened to me, too.
Slightly different -- I was told early in my experience with therapists to "get in touch" with my feelings and express them. So I was proud in a way and felt I had succeeded when I was able to feel my anger and express it. But since it was/is in a very cut-off state, it was too intense and unintegrated when I did express the anger. It was genuine, real, but acted out. Unfortunately for me, it had to be allowed to "be", which meant some acting out (raised voice, intensity, calling the therapist a name once) until I -- the rest of me -- could come to know it, accept it, and integrate it.
When the therapists rejected and shamed and/or terminated me -- it felt to me, too, as if I were being penalized. And still does feel that way to me. And it also matches what happened in my childhood when I was punished for being angry. Not taught how to express anger, punished for getting angry, for being in that state. And so that state got somewhat dissociated -- or covered over in toxic shame. Not sure I have words for it.
Nevertheless, I would expect, and did expect, therapists to be able to see and understand this dynamic. They apparently don't.