Thanks Mopey for still reading me

more than a busy life(that feels quite flat except for the downs) i feel im living with a busy mind…

today work was ok. they're still not happy about me and they way i work, but i do my best. to help people, to fix appts right, to remember rules and i do also try not to get a burnout trying to not let pressure destroy me. its hard to try to put all these things together.

im happy about today's lunch and i hope this afternoon goes well at work too. then i'll see my friend and then i'll finally go to my parents home.

only bad news for today is that P took next week off and i already know i'll miss him. i was tempted to ask him his phone number or try to throw there the idea of an icecream together but i dont feel ready for that and i dont even know if it would be ok. im not even sure i'd have the time so maybe i'll just leave that idea for later on when the weather will be better and we could meet on weekends if we want to. im more comfortable doing and saying nothing at the moment, even though we did talk abut what we're going to do for Easter…. which is nothing or "resting" for both of us…

tonight i had a weird weird scaring dream. firstly i was in a vacation group (where i knew nobody of them but it felt like some sort of school trip or something like that), then that place, instead of a vacation place became a war place and we were lined up in a huge place with lots of rooms and we had to run and hide because "they" were shooting at us and killing us. when it was my turn of running and hiding i ended up caught and i begged (even if it sounded weird to me too!) that man not to kill me but he did shoot me on my leg. he stayed there a little to be sure i would have died and then left. with me there were two people, the group leaders, and they just stayed there watching me bleeding out. i was not feeling any pain and at the beginning i was loosing little blood but then i started feeling dizzy and when i looked at my leg the place was all covered with my blood. people there were still doing nothing and watching me dying. not with indifference but with resignation. i started to think i was going to die after all and tried to do something myself. i tried to stop the bleeding with my fingers but as soon as i was plugging one hole another vein somewhere else was starting to bleed.

while all of this was happening i was thinking about my whole life and i felt nothing about it. i was scared of dying but i too was just accepting it. i only kept repeating a mantra to those two people: "tell my parents i loved them and i fought without giving up until the end" and i thought to myself: "even though i did try to kill myself in the past now im fighting". and i could not think of anything else to say and i could not think of anybody else i would have wanted to say goodbye to except my family. and even in those moments it felt a bit incredible that i had nothing else to say, nobody else on my mind, and nothing that i could think of that i would have liked to do differently in my whole life. no regrets. the only other thing i got to say was just one quote that i took from an italian poet: "i ask forgiveness to everyone and i forgive everyone".
then the blood was starting to be too much and i was dizzy and closing my eyes but i was still fighting to stay alive… and then i woke up.
what a dream!!!