Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3
I don’t think I would get as attached - at least not in the way I was before.
Part of what I gained out of this painful experience is recognizing signs of unhealthy attachment and keeping distance from people that this is likely to occur with in the future. Therapy helped uncover unmet needs, so at a minimum I can recognize my blind spots and protect myself from addictive relationships better going forward. I don’t hold the illusion anymore that anyone can fill what I never had in my childhood. I no longer subconsciously search for mothers and I try to be my own mother.
Other therapist-like people I have worked with since have been male (like EMDR therapist, acupuncturist, GP). There doesn’t seem to be that same propensity to try to get mothering care.
Thank you for the nice words!
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PurpleMirrors,
What you have described is so similar to my own attachment issues. It is amazing how similar those of us with unmet needs in childhood can be!! I also desperately yearn for maternal figures and quickly attach to therapists who offer any kind of gentle kindness or nurturing. It is soooo painful but it is like a drug. I have worked through this in past therapeutic relationships but because I have had such negative experiences in therapy in the past 4 years - I am deterred from going there anymore in therapy.
I am currently experiencing maternal transference with my therapist (despite not having built trust yet). I have been upfront about it with her and luckily she has set major boundaries with me. It hurts a lot (because it can feel like rejection) but I recognize why she does it and have let her know that I am aware it is to protect me. The challenge is that I have extreme and repeated betrayal traumas in therapy - which further complicates the matter. I keep forgetting that attachment to a therapist does not equate to trust - it simply appears that way and makes us far more vulnerable to old abuse patterns if a therapist cannot carefully navigate the minefield for us and with us. (As well as navigate their own countertransference) My therapist has also identified my little part and how it wants to attach like a mother / son - and she (thankfully) has said she does not want to attach to the little part, but rather to the adult part. She said it is my job to learn to attach and look after my little part - which is sooo true!
I believe she may be the ethical one I have been looking for in this regard.
I am curious; when you begin to feel those attachment feelings towards someone - do you avoid it altogether now? Do you set boundaries so that you don't wind up attached and in pain? It is a new concept for me NOT to allow that yearning take hold of me - I have yet to set boundaries in therapy to avoid going there. In past therapy my therapists have welcomed it as a necessary part of treatment, but I wonder if maybe this time around (considering my past traumas in therapy and extreme potential for being harmed) that maybe the best course of action is to set boundaries for myself in order to protect myself.
Would you agree?
I love the way in which you speak about doing what is best for you. That is amazing and perhaps you can help me on this journey!
Have you felt better when you notice those attachment needs flare up and rather than being swallowed up by it - chose to disengage?
Thanks,
HD7970ghz