Indocin is a prescription anti-inflammatory drug that did wonders for my heel 4 years ago. I got a new prescription for it that I'm starting to take. Also I'm staying off my feet today. (I didn't even take trash to the dumpster at the apartment complex, as that was too far to walk.)

Most boldly, on my part, I did not visit at the nursing home today. On the phone, my bf told me that was okay and to take care of myself. In the next breath, he told me the n. home is a crap hole, and no one there will do anything for him. I explained he has to ring his call bell and ask for what he needs. (He prefers that all his wants and needs should be anticipated. This is what he's used to here with me.) I said he should try to make the best of it where he is for now.

This is continuation of a pattern that's gone on for many years, since we met. He tells me he's in dire straights and needs rescuing. Then I ride in like the cavalry, bugles a-sounding and regiment colors flapping in the breeze. Yes, we tend to create our own predicaments. I taught him to have these expectations. I conditioned him to rely on me solving every problem.

Example: If I take him to a doctor's appointment and the doctor keeps him waiting for more than 10 minutes past the appointment time, he goes into a meltdown. He demands that I "go get that doctor!" or take him home immediately because it is intolerable for him to be kept waiting. I bring little bags of treats to feed him, while we're in the waiting room, as though he were a child needing to be kept distracted and occupied. It occurs to me now what an enabler of nonsense I've become. He may have some dementia, but I treat him like a baby. When I turn on a lamp to better see what I'm doing, he says "You're burning my eyes with that light!" When I give him insulin, he yells and says "You hit a bone!" I'm never doing things quite well enough. When I ask how he enjoyed a meal I worked hard on, he says "If was alright."

We love and care for each other. There is an endearing side to him I'm not including here. Plus, he puts up with my tongue, which gets sharp. He never stays mad about anything. But I've become like a hamster running in a wheel. Tonight I'm off that wheel, and I don't want to climb back on.

Clearly, our expectations of each other have to be renegotiated.I could not sustain what I was doing.

I'm going to lie down. I'm tired. I can't even stand to have the TV on. All I want is quiet and peace.

Thanks for listening.