Hi—
My wife’s (soon, ex-wife) rages: she said the most horrible things about me, my family, my friends, everything I’ve ever held in high regard. It’s as if she were trying to dig deep and hurt me in any way possible, and the threats—police, lawyers, throwing me out of the house. At first I was upset and tried to defend myself, show her my point of view, justify my actions, justify my existence. Occasionally I would hear something really awful and get angry. Eventually I realized argument was futile and began to sit impassively and concentrate on my breathing and keeping calm... which infuriated her more do she started hitting me and trashing my stuff. Once I got out of the car intending to walk home and she drove the car onto the pavement—it looked like she wanted to run me over.

Anyway, I read the descriptions of your ex, and it’s awful, and I’m sure you’re left sort of puzzled and horrified that one human being can really do that to another human being.

Here’s the wierdest thing: it’s sort of like when a drunk has a blackout, with NO memory of what he or she did. The rages are like that. When they’re over, there’s no acknowledgement that it happened. Maybe they really forget—after all they act like monsters and I’m sure somewhere in there is some small piece of guilt.

Or not. I’ve been separated for a year and a half. I do my very best to NOT respond to her, and if I want to respond I write it in a lengthy email and don’t send it—it just causes problems because although I’d like to believe I’m conversing with another rational human being, her goal isnt to communicate, it’s to maintain control, manipulate and inflict fear and doubt.

I’m sure you sometimes miss him and the life you thought you were going to have together. I know I still do. And then there are lengthy emails like the one tonight, full of meanness and cruelty and vileness and I think, “nope, don’t miss it, love the fact that I’m free.”